Friday, June 02, 2006

Grateful Friday - Happy


Happy. Dare I even utter that word? It's a word that seems to elude me lately. I fear that if I admit to having actually experienced moments of deep happiness this week I will jinx it all. But I'm grateful, so very grateful, for the sunny rays of happiness that have shone down on me these past few days. Even in the midst of a crazy and chaotic week, I felt clarity, focus, presence, joy, friendliness, hope. I have not dwelt in the land of these emotions for some time. Lately I seem to be bedfellows with heaviness, loneliness, fear, depression. But it was also this week that my daily dose of Wellbutrin was increased from 150 mg to 300 mg. I fear the happiness I've experienced this week is not real but medicated...and I so want it to be real. I want to take these pills for as short a time period as possible but I must admit that I'm afraid that when I give them up the happiness will slip away too. When the fear creeps in, I breathe and I tell myself to take it any way I can get it UNTIL I am able to get it on my own, without the assistance of medication. And I breathe a prayer of thanksgiving every morning: I'm grateful I can get out of bed. I'm grateful I am able to once again enjoy my morning walks. I'm grateful to be showing up for my son. I'm grateful to feel the flow of ideas. I'm grateful to be creating. I'm grateful that words are spilling out. I'm grateful to be treating others with kindness and respect. I'm grateful to be embracing myself instead of turning away. I'm grateful to be happy.

14 Comments:

Blogger liz elayne said...

beautiful my friend...happiness is a gift. and all that you have been given this week through creating and finding the words and finding kindness for yourself. yes. i can't help but want to say that this seems to be what you need right now. the right path. taking care of you.

10:54 PM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Michelle,

you live the life we all long for...to be happy with oneself!

1:35 AM  
Blogger Susannah said...

Michelle, it's so good to hear all of this - you deserve happiness, petal. and as for the pills - i'm still taking mine, and i think they make us open to feel the happiness, they are not the cause of the happiness.....
Sx

4:31 AM  
Blogger my pink sky said...

we are so greatful to a voice as clear and eloquent and beautiful as yours...enjoy this moment. and thanks for joining in on the cd - so wonnderful to have you as a part of it...should be lot's of fun!
~mindy

5:05 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

Susannah said pretty much what I was going to say, but I'll say it anyway - I don't think the pills cause happiness. I think what they do is to help life the heaviness and anxiety of depression so you can feel the happiness that was already there, but blocked. My two cents, FWIW.

As always, LOVE the photo!

5:16 AM  
Blogger ESB said...

yes, i echo susannah's words exactly...the meds simply lift the veil....so glad to hear you've been feeling good this week....

5:19 AM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

Trust that you will find your way through (no matter what it takes!) Trust that you are doing all the right things for yourself. Trust...

5:27 AM  
Blogger Visual-Voice said...

The words you write have such an authentic ring to them, it makes me suspect your happiness is very real. :)

5:59 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I'm just happy you're happy.

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Amy said...

I say more power to you for making choices that allow you to be present for your son and happy in your own skin. I'm grateful for psychopharmacology...without it's assistance I wouldn't be out of bed every morning.

1:00 PM  
Blogger Josephine said...

I am grateful for you, too. I know what it's like to feel happiness trickling in. It's wonderful, but it's frightening as hell because you want it to stay so badly.

I wish you what your heart most desires.

Whatever that may be, and I think it's good to say it outloud and to pronounce your gratitude.

It's a good practice.

1:45 PM  
Blogger tracey said...

I take the happiness just about anyway I can get it. I am glad (with or without meds) you're feeling good.
I am grateful for that.

3:51 PM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

happy for you to be feeling better...

beautiful post.
:)

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

Glad to hear you're in such a good place...

3:47 PM  

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