Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sunday Scribblings {3 Wishes}


I.

A one hour session with a massage therapist in training. Just what every worn out, overwhelmed, slightly on the edge mother really needs. I was laying on my back while she softly massaged my face, my temples, my cheeks, my hairline, when I felt the first ones travel down my cheeks. Just a few small tears, not all that many really. As the session continued I found myself more present than I think I've ever been before. I was present to the birds singing outside the window, present to my breathing, present to the gentle voice of the massage therapist in the room next to mine, present to my body as it melted into the table. I was laying on my stomach surrendering to the magic balm of loving hands working their way through my scalp when she gently patted me letting me know our hour was up. She softly told me to take my time and only get up once I had the strength and presence of mind. I lay there for several minutes, face planted into the head rest, when the tears started flowing, not just the little trickle they had been earlier, but a flood. They came swiftly and heavily and in great sobs. Slowly I managed to get up and re-dress. But the tears wouldn't stop. I sat next to the table, my head on the cushion, letting my mascara stain the white sheets. I wondered who could hear me but didn't really care. The kind therapist offered tissues, water, and several gentle hugs while repeating, "Oh baby, oh baby." I let it all out, all of it, everything I'd been holding onto, holding in, for as long as I could remember. I let it all out until there was nothing left. I cried like I hadn't let myself cry in a very long, long time. It wasn't all better when the tears finally dried up but I did feel a little less heavy, a little more healed.

I wish for more moments like this one--moments to let go, really let go, moments to finally stop holding everything in.

II.

The weather was so much friendlier today, not nearly as unbearably hot and sticky. I spread the blanket on the grass and lay on my stomach preparing to read Eat, Pray, Love. Before I could read the first chapter an overwhelming need to melt into the day's stillness came over me. I lay there listening to the birds singing, chattering, gossiping, wooing. I listened to the grass bending under my weight. I listened to Britton circling around me over and over again on his scooter. I listened. I felt the sun creeping higher into the sky, slowly making her trip west. I felt the shade shifting and the sun's warm fingers moving up my back. And then I felt my heart grow two arms, arms that plunged into the soil and embraced the Earth's raw core. I felt my cheek, my toes, my belly, my breasts, sink into the deepest depths of Mother Earth's heart. The sun felt like fire and I thought that this wouldn't be a bad way to go--me clinging to the Earth while exploding into a radiant burst of flames.

I wish for more moments like this one--moments to feel alive and connected and perfectly present, moments to feel fire in the Earth and fire in my heart.

III.

May 17. My birthday. I wanted this day to be special. I wanted it to be about celebration and happiness, not like the heavy depression that had been flooding my days lately. I rose a little earlier than usual in order to have plenty of time to fix myself up. Appearance isn't everything but looking good can often help the heart feel better. Panty hose, a cute skirt, a favorite sweater. Then I tiptoed into Britton's room and woke him with the surprise of a cupcake and a candle and a song he knew all the words to. We lay in bed enjoying the chocolate treats not caring that crumbs scattered the sheets. I was determined to smile, to love, to breathe, to open my heart to the world. And it worked. Taking time to make the day special paid off. I felt as if I were breathing deeper, walking lighter, laughing with more heart. When I crawled into bed that night, exhausted and stuffed to the seams with chips, salsa, queso and key lime pie, I felt a new hope, a hope that suggested more happy days might be right around the corner, a hope that whispered not of my ability to control my life but of my ability to choose the course of my days. It was a good start to a new year.

I wish for more moments like this one--moments when I intentionally set about the business of celebrating, of feeling special, of living fully and passionately, moments when I remember I have the power to choose.

31 Comments:

Blogger Living Part Deux said...

I would wish for more moments of emotion that I feel after reading your heart gripping, mind exploding post. Michelle, of all the wondrous things you have ever written - and they are many, MANY - this is the one that has pulled my heart right out of my chest. Your words are AMAZING. The moments you describe so complete and true.

I have cried convulsively after a deep massage. If anyone doubts the mind/body connection, they should just release themselves to a massage. I'm SO thankful for that healing time.

Your wishes are universal and so, so personal. I'm overflowing!

9:12 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

I can see how the massage could release the tears. It sounds very healing on more than one level.

And I love that your birthday turned out so well.

Love the photo too - the room behind you fascinates me and it's cool to see you in your glasses since you usually remove them for photos.

9:36 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

I love the way you describe life around and in you. I'm glad you had a good birthday. And I'm so pleased you had a massage. Even after all my years of regular massage I'm still a little surprised at what comes up emotionally when I lie down on that table. It's a good release.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

I know you will so enjoy this book after reading today's entry. I just finished it today and want to reread it. It really hit home with me her journey inward and outward and finding herself.Like your entry today you will find the book reflects a lot of the same themes.Themes and issues that we both are dealing with at this time in our lives. It just took me longer to unearth them.Let me know how you like the book.
I truly believe you have a gift for the written word.Never doubt your worth.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Lunarmusings said...

I so relate to your massage experience, both as a therapist myself and a massage reciever. The body-mind needs sweet release. We cage it, deny it, push it aside to get on with our daily lives until it spills over and out when it finally reaches a safe warm loving place. I too wish for more of this, for everyone. For every Body...

Thank you for your sweet tender sharing.

10:39 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

so powerful my dear. my wish for you is that you come back here and read your words and remind yourself of the power you already have. that you already know what you need and want. beautiful.

10:42 PM  
Blogger Kim G. said...

Wonderful experiences - they don't need to be wishes - you know they can be real now.

Thanks for the reminder to work for these kinds of moments. Often the work is "letting" the moments be.

11:12 PM  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

I love all these thoughts about being really intentional and present with life -- and I could really feel your release with that massage. I've had a massage gift certificate sitting here gathering dust and reading this made me really want to redeem it, and also wonder why I haven't -- maybe a little nervous about that feeling of vulnerability. I also think we should all wake up to chocolate cupcakes every so often!

11:36 PM  
Blogger Ali la Loca said...

I am touched by your wishes. I hope moments like these are a permanent part of your life, and mine, and everyone else that walks this planet. These are the moments that make us appreciate life. Very beautifully written.

1:01 AM  
Anonymous tinker said...

This was beautifully written. I hope you have as many days like these as you could possibly want. Oh - and happy belated birthday (you should be able to stretch that celebration out as long as you'd like, too!)

1:14 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Your wishes are breathtaking. You speak of wanting to be aware every day, but your descriptions of life around you and your feelings tell me that you are more aware than anyone out there. I wish that I could describe things the way you do. Beautiful, Michelle!

2:31 AM  
Blogger Lee said...

I hope you have many more experiences like those.

And that you share them with us.

3:46 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

simple captured moments
rendered
with such description
and detail,
that i kind of feel as though
i have been there.

:)

4:05 AM  
Anonymous Charmaine said...

That massage sounds absolutely wonderful...glad you had a good birthday.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I love these, I'm so happy you let yourself cry. Let us know how the book is, i've bee wanting to read it.

7:39 AM  
Blogger snowsparkle said...

i think we women tend to try to be too strong and hold so much in. i recognize the experience you described very well. unfortunately my catharsis was triggered at a male coworker/friend's funeral. i couldn't stop crying... luckily the man was openly gay, otherwise people might have thought i'd been his lover or something the way i was carrying on. (i had to leave, i was creating such a disturbance with my sobbing)

i'm glad you were well attended to by the compassionate understanding of your massage therapist. take care, gentle friend.

8:21 AM  
Blogger baylor said...

These are fabulous! I would love all these wishes for me and you too!

Happy Belated Birthday, friend! You are extremely talented and special!

xoxo

8:42 AM  
Blogger Alexandra S said...

You WILL have many, many more bright, twinling, vibrantly alive days. It sounds like you are going through such a tough time at the moment. Sending you hugs as you need them and warm thoughts. Eat Pray Love helped me SO MUCH going through my own divorce-its definitely one to keep nearby and savor.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Josephine said...

I wish these things for you, as well, dear, strong Michelle.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous samantha said...

I love that you gave yourself these moments- these precious, beautiful experiences that no one else could give you. This post has touched me like no other, truly. It holds deep wisdom, deep truth, the healing we can offer ourselves.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

Your writing is just so PRESENT--so rich and layered and sensual. Every detail grounded in experience. I so admire that. I loved your take on wishes and I want those moments for you, and for myself (can I be selfish here? ;) )

1:44 PM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

What a fabulous week of magic, thoughtfulness and lovely photos.

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

I second Rebekah's sentiments...I've loved many, many of your posts, but this one put me right over the top. I was just thinking today how desperately I'm in need of some of what you described in #1. Utterly, achingly beautiful, Michelle...you outdid yourself on this one, girl. :)

6:44 PM  
Blogger my pink sky said...

you are truly more present and passionate and soul bearing in your posts than many people are in their whole lives! your writing is your wishes being realized every day, michelle (even when your not feeling connected or soulful or brave). my little wish for you is that i hope you realize this...

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MICHELLE HAPPY BIRTHDAY LATE EVEN THROUGH I DID NOT CALL THAT DAY YOU WERE IN MY MIND ALL DAY. I AM GLAD IT WAS GOOD FOR YOU. JUST THREE WORDS SAY IT ALL FOR ME I LOVE YOU. LYNDA

7:20 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

This was such beautiful,writing. And a great take on the Scribble. I love that you wished for more of what you already had...

:)

7:26 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

I have never had one but I have heard from people who have that massages can be very emotional. We hold our pain and our stress in our backs and necks and when it is releases, well it gets released. I am so glad you had these moments to let go.

Don't wish for more moments, make them happen again and again, just like you are.
a.

6:56 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

Oh and I LOVE this picture, wow and very artsy!!!
a.

6:56 AM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

look how pretty you are.

love the composition of this picture, the artsy vibe, your funky glasses and naturally beautiful face.

fantabulous wishes my darling!

xoxoxo,
boho

7:34 PM  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

your experience with your massage therapist really stuck with me. i keep revisiting it in my mind. thank you for sharing it.

12:03 PM  
Blogger papyrus said...

This was beautifully written and expressed so well your deepest feelings. It was a pleasure to read. Thanks.

7:13 AM  

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