Tuesday, May 30, 2006

SPC {Introduction-5}

I had no idea what I was going to write about tonight. None whatsoever. So I strapped on my tennis shoes (after I dug them out of the bottom of the closet) and went for a walk. I walked while the birds calmed themselves (and me) with their evening melodies. I walked while my feet pounded a steady drumbeat on the sidewalk. I walked while the dark clouds huddled together, threatening rain. I walked while the moon, the tiniest cheshire cat smile you've ever seen, fought the clouds for a little attention. I walked until I saw a wall of dust just on the horizon getting ready to head my way and I knew it was time to head home. And while I walked I asked myself one question, tossing the answer around in my head over and over again, Who is Michelle? If someone were to ask me who I am, what would I say? The truth is I don't have an answer to that question. There just isn't one. Why? Because it's not a question that can be answered with something pat and simple. I am a messy and magnificent combination of all my experiences, all my beliefs, all my emotions, all my roles, and all my relationships. And how do you sum all that up in a nice little sentence or two? You just can't. That is something you spend a lifetime answering not in words but in being and becoming.

I am a girl with a blog and everyday I come here to try and give meaning to my life. I tell you a lot. I don't tell you everything. I try to live honestly and I hide from the people I need to talk to the most because I'm scared shitless of what their reaction might be. I have days I shine brilliantly and I have days that I wonder what the hell just happened. I have moments with Britton when I know without a doubt I'm doing an excellent job and I have moments I think what the hell just happened. I strive to be present for you and sometimes I shut down. I am a girl who has been shattered into a million pieces and is slowly learning to glue them back together again and live with the cracks and chips. I am broken in ways you'll never imagine. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am all the wonderful things you mention in your comments and I have times I struggle to believe those wonderful things are really true. I am a girl standing in front of life, opening my arms as wide as possible, shouting, yes, yes, yes. I am a girl running madly away from her life because she's scared of being real and full and as alive as possible. I am a girl who wants so desperately to live in complete love towards and acceptance of herself. I am a girl who has never seen that done and so doesn't even know where to start. I am a girl who has seen her dreams come crashing to the ground. I am a girl who keeps right on dreaming. I stumble, I trip, I fail and yet I keep getting up again. I keep moving forward. And there has been a time or two that it's taken me awhile to get back up and in those moments I crawled until I could stand, I stood until I could walk, I walked until I could run, I ran until I could fly and I have all the scars and bruises to prove it. I am a girl full of words who can not find the words to tell the man she lives with, the man she loves, that she's lonely. I am a girl brimming with emotion and passion and creativity who is afraid to let go, afraid to let loose. I am a girl whose most painful experiences can not even begin to touch the amount of pain some of you have lived through. I am a girl who says let me sit with you in your pain. I'm bitchy and cranky. I'm loving and forgiving. I'm irritable and on the edge. I'm compassionate and full of grace. I'm all of it--every drop of it.

That's what I would tell you today. Tomorrow may be a different story. And I tell you all of this not in order to receive comments telling me how great my writing is, or how touching my words are, or how true and honest and real I am. I tell you because I want you to know that I'm not an either/or person. I am a both/and person. Everything you see here has a flip side, a shadow side, and I live that too--everyday. The dark, the light, the yin, the yang, the love, the fear, the yes, the no, I live it all. I tell you all of this in order for you to know I'm not all that different from you. Really I'm not. So today, if you choose to leave me a comment just simply say, I'm so glad we have some things in common.

Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm a girl with a blog just trying to give meaning to her life.


Blogger kerry said...

i'm so glad we have some things in common... i read your blog regularly, because everytime i do there is at least one thing in there that i find myself wishing i had written myself - because it is true and honest to something inside of me too.

10:30 PM  
Blogger dani said...

beautiful photo (again) - i see you're playing with the blur, never done that before myself.

and regarding the meaning of it all, our lives etc, sometimes i think we need to kick back, not be attached and accept that there may be absolutely no meaning at all - like buddhists and still live the life you're living but only in the sense that you're compassionate to yourself and others and loving but without attachment or needing certain outcomes.

10:54 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

all i am going to say tonight is this:
hi michelle...so glad to have met you. can't wait to see where you go next...

10:59 PM  
Blogger Claudia said...

Wow, Michelle, this is wonderful.
Thank you. This could really be me.

Treading carefully while wanting to jump, stamp my feet, dance or fly. Not wanting to harm anyone while harming myself through doing this.
Trying to find out who I really am - not the parts I play. Torturing myself because I still do play parts although all I want is to be honest, to myself and others.

Life is a dance on eggs...
And yet we love it. (There's no better choice anyway ;-D )

12:02 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

It's wonderful to meet you Michelle; I like who you are, with all the facets and complexities; I'm blessed to have found you and your blog.


4:01 AM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

"Both/and" is much more interesting, anyway. Anything less and there wouldn't be much to say. But you say so much, and I, for one, am happy to listen.

5:00 AM  
Anonymous Amy said...


We have things in common. Sometimes even if you tell the man you love that you are lonely...he has no answer...and so you realize one morning that life is far too precious to spend the time with someone who doesn't see or hear you for the wonderful person you are.
It's been four months now and...some day soon, there won't be any lonely...
Thank you for your words,

5:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad we have some things in common

6:47 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

Wonderful to see we have so much in common Michelle.

This is beautiful SPC, touches me as always

6:51 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

But of course we have some things in common! Humans are all wonderfully, incredibly messy and complex creatures (thank goodness....how boring if we were all perfect). I'm glad to have met you in Bloglandia, Michelle.

The photo is lovely! Did you get the blur effect with the camera or with editing? Either way, very cool!

7:05 AM  
Blogger deirdre said...


7:08 AM  
Blogger Josephine said...

Yes. I am so glad we have some things in common.

7:19 AM  
Blogger mayseek life said...

i honor our similarities and differences.........(and i celebrate your creative voice in this piece)!!

7:25 AM  
Blogger Susannah said...

a both/and person - indeed. thank you for the comments you left me yesterday - they touched me just where i needed them ... Sx

7:49 AM  
Blogger Misty Mawn said...

ao glad to meet you...hi, I'm Misty, just a girl with a blog...wondering, thinking, dreaming...and sharing! ;-)

I love your honesty!!!

8:02 AM  
Blogger LeS said...

Thank you for this post as it has reminded me to celebrate myself more often, give myself some slack, and to get my shit together all at the same time.

And this is why we blog :)

8:06 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

i would be honored
and pleased to say
we have things in common

and i also want to say
i love how you have switched up
your links
and sorted them out...
thats fantastic!

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Linda said...

I'm so glad we have some things in common.

8:14 AM  
Blogger navylane studio said...

Michelle, yes, indeed, we do indeed have some things in common! thanks for yet another wonderful, honest introduction!

9:11 AM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Simply Beautifully you!

9:19 AM  
Blogger whitney said...

Well put. Thanks for being so honest. Good to be reminded I'm not the only one feeling some of those things!

9:52 AM  
Blogger Star said...


As always it is wonderful reading your thoughts expressed in words. I'm glad we have things in common because it helps...it helps to have a kindred spirit to struggle, ponder, and celebrate with.


10:21 AM  
Blogger melba said...

If you were sitting here with me would be looking in each others eyes and know all we have in common and we would have deep conversation and we would laugh and we would cry and we would dream. But you are not sitting here with me. So we will both have to take a leap of faith and just believe and then know we are the same.

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad we have some things in common. You are so precious, wild, alive.

10:52 AM  
Anonymous bekka said...

lovely blur. lovely photo. lovely you!

1:25 PM  
Blogger Living Part Deux said...

And I'll be just as enthralled to learn about the you of tomorrow as I am the you of today - all the many parts of you.

1:40 PM  
Blogger stephoto said...

Yes, we do have much in common, the difference being that you have the guts and grace to post it so generously on yor blog.
That is a gift.

Thank you!

2:21 PM  
Blogger Madeleine said...

I found this so touching. We really do all feel like this. Everyday we are another facet of the same person, I'm sure.
I hear your words, your concerns, your strengths and your desires.
Lovely Blog.
M x

2:50 PM  
Blogger tracey said...

That's why we are so drawn to you Michelle. You encompass everything that we are and you express all that we cannot.

You are amazing.

3:37 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Oh, we have so much in common and I am thrilled that somehow you can put into words, my thoughts. I don't know how you do it, but you do. Thanks for letting me read what I wish I had written.

4:32 PM  
Blogger BendingPeak said...

I thank you for your words today. I too sat in front of my computer tonight for nearly an hour just trying to get the words together in my head so that I could start to write. Thank you for being so honest, and open.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

Gorgeous you - inside and out.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

You are a girl who rocks!

7:28 PM  
Blogger dazey rosie said...

I'm so grateful we have something in common. I'm so grateful I stumbled on your blog. Big thank you for your bravery and honesty.


6:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this picture.

6:08 AM  

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