Saturday, May 20, 2006

MamaSaysOm - Ache

Dear Britt,

I am so many things. A woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a pilgrim, a warrior, a poet, a dreamer, a life unfolding, a journey through rough and wild territory, and of course a mother. I am so many things. And it may be hard for you to see all the pieces that form my whole, all the pieces that are constantly pulling me in their different directions, raising their voices, demanding to be heard, coming alive when I give them even the tiniest bit of attention. It may be hard for you to see because when you look at me you see one thing: your mother. Motherhood is one of the pieces, one of the most important pieces, if you can really call any one more important than the others. I don't know that you will ever be able to see beyond my role as your mother. Everything I do, every choice, every action, you will view through eyes that see me as I try to keep a record of my life. All my parts and pieces play out their story through my words. One day maybe you'll read them. Maybe you'll turn the pages of my life and begin to see someone who is so many things, who is so much more than your mother. Maybe the words will begin to fill in the gaps, begin to explain the ache of being pulled in so many different directions, the ache of wanting so much out of life, the ache of playing so many roles at once and never quite knowing if you're being seen as a full person or only as a portion of who you really are. You'll be an adult one day and maybe one evening while you're watching your own child kick a soccer ball around the back yard you'll feel your own ache--the ache that tells you you're right where you need to be but...but you used to be someone else and that life still calls you, but you feel so much inside and you know that must be lived out too, but you are so much more than that child will ever comprehend, but you don't know where to start, but it seems so overwhelming, but... Maybe the ache is about past, present, and future all existing at one time within your soul. Maybe the lesson is learning to be present, truly present and alive to all of it. I don't expect you to see me as anything more than your mother, not any time soon. But maybe one day you'll begin to see the other pieces of the puzzle and then the picture you carry around of me in your heart will become bigger, fuller, more whole and complete.

I am so many things
I am your mother


Blogger Lee said...

I hope, I really truly hope, that there is some sensible way to save your posts for Britton to ready someday hence.

3:37 AM  
Blogger bluepaul said...

(FREE-TUNES):w/o a credit-card

3:57 AM  
Blogger megg said...

This was so beautiful! I am so SO scared to be a Mom someday. I worry that I will lose something of myself and become only a Mom, because that is what I fear has happened to some of my friends. You inspire me to remember that I will be able to keep hold of who else I am... right?!

4:18 AM  
Blogger deirdre said...

I'm so touched when I read these letters to your son. What a gift you give him. And all of us too.

5:43 AM  
Blogger bluepaul said...

I had'nt realized what an opportunity it is to "blog". Specifically for them who are truly destined for this. They can shine, just like they are; and no-one can run-over or run them away. I never knew the internet could be so effective as a means of reaching out to others where they are. Oh I said it within my mouth; but the reality itself was strikingly sutble. As the saying goes:

"Many hear The Soul, while fools merely blab' out about it!!!
Meanwhile, a few perceive it flawlessly, while others poorly demonstrate its' power. Then the few who understand The Soul are made victorious by the meek, who would never really even give it a second thought at all."

To me life is a journey into the unknown; blissful and joyous. It is something that needs said, which will be said! But let those called to say it know this; you are no more "chosen" than the meek hearted or the simple minded. The Real Truth is so delicate and intricately subtle, that authorized presentation of it is easily and more often than not, derailed by many words. It is my hope that they who are "called" do not fall away from "that" which is rediculously obvious.

9:59 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

i've really loved your self portrait series this week.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Your little boy has such a powerful gift in your love!

12:12 PM  
Blogger Josephine said...

This made me think. To learn that you ache because you wonder if anyone can see the complete you...I've always assumed no one can see the complete me, and I really want it that way.

It's surprising to me to read this, a new way of looking at it.

And, I think your son will grow up to see you as more than his mother, he'll learn to love you for who you are, not what you have given him.

3:24 PM  
Blogger Server Girl said...

i l-o-v-e this cute and am very glad your comments are back on.

6:54 PM  
Blogger *aimee* said...

Beautifully stated and oh so true. I have always seen my mother through "those eyes" until recently. Suddenly my mother is as you stated, "bigger, fuller, more whole and complete"...and we are closer now than ever before. I love my mother-for being my mother first and then my best friend.

7:30 PM  
Blogger dani said...

ah, you look so happy and beautiful!

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your post is so tender and lucky your son is to have such an amazing and complete woman as his mama. thanks for sharing!

7:56 PM  
Blogger tracey said...

I feel like I just read a letter I could have only dreamt of writing to my perfectly fluid and eloquent and clear. Crystaline. Your words have given me the gift of peace and heightened awareness and have allowed me to be in this space, as a mother, where I can ache everyday and know I am not alone and I thank you for that. Ache. You defined it for me better than I could have done myself.
Big heavy sigh.

*may i share this post and link it from my blog??*

8:17 AM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Found you through Tracey (above) and she's right- just beautiful. I think you speak for many of us. Thank you for this.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

This was lovely. Congrats on a well-deserved Perfect Post award!

7:18 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home