Saturday, March 25, 2006

A King Size Bed


I cried through the movie,
not because it was good
(believe me, it wasn't)
or because it was emotional
(although it tried to be)
but because of that one pivotal scene,
the one in which the leading man,
bashful yet determined,
leans toward the leading lady
(faces so close their eye lashes touch),
and then passionately, tenderly,
envelops her with hungry kisses,
noses colliding, lips tangling, cheeks brushing.
I hadn't realized until that moment
how lonely I felt,
how assuredly I believed that no one would ever
touch me or kiss me with that kind of tender passion again.
When the realization settled the tears began.
She asked me a few days ago if he cared.
I was quick to answer yes,
almost too quick,
and then defended him by adding,
but he's so busy--
two jobs, school, fatherhood.
Later I secretly wondered about her question.
Does he care?
Really?
Maybe he's sitting at the bar right now
being asked the same question,
does she care?
And he's answering yes,
a little too quickly,
and then defending me by adding,
but she's so busy--
a full-time job, motherhood, a million other priorities.
How do two people who really love each other
become so disconnected?
The full-size bed gets replaced by a king
and now our feet don't even touch at night.
There is a wealth of space between us,
a space big enough to hold all the questions,
all the doubts, all the excuses,
and all my loneliness.

29 Comments:

Blogger lela said...

i understand your feelings.
honest, i do... and it hurts

sending you hugs and love...

9:01 PM  
Anonymous bella said...

there is an entire room between me & my love. i know, he knows. we keep trying because there's too much to let go of and so much love left undiscovered between us.

9:13 PM  
Blogger GoGo said...

"I hadn't realized until that moment how lonely I felt,"

This is when I started to cry, tears of waterfall proportions...I think I am crying for you and me, and everyone who has felt this kind of lonely. If given the opportunity, I hope you can reconnect with him...and yourself.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

Ouch! That is so sad. Someone has to end the stalemate. Stale is possibly apt. Do the unexpected. Now.

12:48 AM  
Blogger dani said...

i'm a believer in talking everything through - until the end. now that you've recognised how you're feeling, i think you need to tell him how you feel, without any guilt or blame or anger attached - just simply tell him how this situation makes you feel - and maybe he'll discuss the same for him and getting this out in the open can hopefully get you guys thinking about why it's happened and maybe even start changing together. good luck - i hope you guys work it out.

2:38 AM  
Blogger Pat Paulk said...

A king sized bed with two continents and an ocean. Very good write!

4:50 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

Oh my. I so understand and feel that lonliness and you are very brave to put this out there, putting it into words.
I think being in a long-standing relationship is one of the hardest things we do in this life. But it's worth it and even with the chasm that you feel is seperating, there is that bond and that connection that despite the distance is there. At least this is what I have to believe in those moments when I'm ready to bolt, ready to go find someone that will care in the way that I want. If you were to ask my husband this question, he'd probably say the same ~ sigh.

5:52 AM  
Blogger Toni said...

There must be a lonely moon out tonight.
I'm lonely for a good friend cause I've realized my husband of 15 years can only be so much to me.
The guy that said someone has to end the stalemate has the answer.

6:07 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

that was hard to read...
i agree with the others,
talk about it now...
don't let it fester,
don't let it rot...

if it scares you
or makes you feel sad
then it is big enough to
talk about,
don't let it get that big...

if you were here,
i would give you a hug...
and i don't often offer that
teehee
:)

6:52 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

No, no, no, no, no! We have a king size bed and you see, you both just have to lay in the middle. That's all. It will be ok. Really. You can make it work. Even when all the kids crawl in, its always you two in the middle, K.
:( :(
a.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Michelle!

9:34 AM  
Blogger Living Part Deux said...

Michelle, this is so tender and fragile, I almost want to avert my face because I shouldn't be watching. Reach out. Touch, even if words are impossible. I have felt those feelings. Much love to you today!

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

This is hard to read, but I'm grateful to you for sharing. I understand, I think, as much as I can without being you. I wish I knew what to say. I wish you, if not today, at some point, joy and peace.

10:52 AM  
Blogger jodi said...

This is such a heartbreaking entry.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

Don'at be afraid to vulnerable and honest and simply say, "You know what? I miss you." That is all it will take to open the dialogue between you. And you deserve so much to feel connected to the one you love...be brave. I'm rooting for you. I

1:34 PM  
Blogger Glamorous Jo said...

This was hard to read....I hope you can both find each other again - and soon. Thanks for trusting us all with this.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Beautifully written and so sad -- the bed metaphor is a really good one, and I think you should ditch it and cuddle in a full. I've heard that parenthood can create a rift like this sometimes, when you're no longer the most important people to each other -- not to say it's because of parenthood, but that it's a new relationship to negotiate. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

i've also posted some movie recommendations on your last entry.

3:56 PM  
Blogger GreenishLady said...

I want to offer you some magic piece of wisdom, but words fail me here, except to say I wish you what you need to come through this lonely time. My heart goes out to you.

4:50 PM  
Blogger pinkcoyote said...

oh my goodness, honey, it is very brave of you to post these feelings . what vulnerable feelings. thank you for opening your heart up. xoxo

6:57 PM  
Blogger chest of drawers said...

What an amazing post - you transported me back in time as that was my relationship for years. I waited too long, we both did, it then it was too late so all I can say is listen to beansprout and say something or the rift will get bigger and the way to each may be too hard to find. Maybe you should just let him read your post and see what happens?

7:00 PM  
Blogger melba said...

Sometimes when I read your posts I don't want to reply
because we write in the moment.
I understand that a moment could be a moment
or it could be a lifetime.
We are only seeing a sliver.
Either way your honesty is important and brave.
I, (we all I think) understand because there is a connection.
It is why we all come here everyday...
be the resonating shallow or deep;
we all feel it.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

I don't feel like I know what to say except I hear you and I'm sending you good thoughts. {{{Michelle}}}

Also, no one says you have to stay on your side of the bed y'know. Just a thought.

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Toryssa said...

I've never been as lonely as I was while I was with my husband.
No advice, but a hug if I could.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Server Girl said...

oh no...i am so sorry. This is exactly how my ex and i were...everything becomes routine, everyone craves for something different..maybe u can talk to him about it...i do wish the best for you ...sending smiles your way...:)

7:10 AM  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

This made me cry--and thank you so much for saying it. I've been shying away from thinking about it, much less writing or blogging about it. I don't know if it was a poem written out of a moment's inspiration, or if it's "true" but it was true for me.

Thank you.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous yolie said...

looks like many of us have been in that same bed before. I will join everyone in urging you to knock through the wall anyway you can. It always feels better even if there is screaming and shouting and tears. That release alone feels so much better than the loneliness.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Donna-Maria said...

I finished reading your entry and out loud I said "holy shit that's good." I'm sorry for this emptiness-I can identify with this-not now, but at one point in my life, and you have captured it. I want to fill that space between you two with all of the friendship and support in my heart for you!

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Dina said...

Beautiful (poetry & photography). Your tree shots are so cool...they could be made into designs for fabric.

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Mary Jane said...

Hugs...your story touched my heart....

7:31 PM  

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