Friday, March 31, 2006

Dear Friends,

I had big plans for the night. I had complied a lovely list of all the things I was grateful for. I was going to show you some shots of the art journal I've been working on all week. And then it all fell apart. I had one of the shittiest evenings ever. I broke my baby's heart and if you are a mother then you know what it's like to realize you've hurt your child. It's one of those horrible moments in time that I'm afraid will hurt him for a long, long time and tonight I'm just not feeling like I can live with myself. The weight of motherhood is crushing me. I'm afraid he'll always remember this night and that it will be a pivotal moment in his development. Maybe I'll be able to write about it later but not tonight. That loving community I wrote about Wednesday night, well I'm really needing it right about now because at this very moment I can't see past my mistakes. Trey is out of town and I have no one to talk to. I feel so alone. I wish just one of you could be here right now to hold my hand. I wish one of you could hug me and let me cry on your shoulder. I've hit bottom. Maybe tomorrow, when the sun comes out I'll find a little more light but as for tonight I'm going to bed to cry it out.

45 Comments:

Blogger Yummyteece said...

HI honey,
Friday night, and I'm still at the desk... and for some reason, I felt compelled to read your blog.

I wish I were there on the couch right now, to hug you and hold the space for you feel however you need to feel, and still assure you that it does get better.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Adrift At Sea said...

Michelle-

Your child is more resilent than you realize... and loves you, even when you make mistakes.

Get some sleep, and tomorrow is another day.

Dan

7:53 PM  
Anonymous autum said...

Cry it out, sleep and tomorrow will be brighter. Just hug and kiss your baby and remind him how much you love him. What ever happened is likely affecting you far more than him. Mothers hurt so deeply when our children hurt. Especially when we feel responsible for the hurt. I know thoughts and words on a computer of care and concern aren't the same as a shoulder but know you are in my thoughts. Sending you a big {{{hug}}}.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Hang in there. There is no doubt that you love your sweet boy. You will both make it through and all I can think is that your love, the foundation of your love will wipe away a multitude of nights like tonight.
Arms reaching out to you from across the blogsphere...
You are an amazing woman.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Michelle....I am here extending my friendship...

8:21 PM  
Blogger snowsparkle said...

oh sweetie, my heart aches for you in your bad night (a hard part of parenting that is familiar to me as well). if you're feeling this way, please reach out to a trusted friend who can come spend the night, or be with Britton in the morning so things will feel normal and you can gather yourself back into your wonderful loving self. big hugs... snowsparkle

8:34 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

Distance does not lend enchantment, it lends frustration. Wish I (we, my wife would rally round too) could be closer. Speaking from the experience of three grown up boys I offer the following: whatever happened last night will stay with you longer than with them. Apologise, hug and move on. Kids do understand.

8:36 PM  
Blogger GoGo said...

I've been watching my little brother who is now 11-years-old grow up since I watched my mother give birth to him. At every turn, I felt like I might or was doing something to harm his psyche. Who knows what to do when there are too many books and no real manual to help raise a kid. Then my mother told me once that "Children grow up into a world far more complicated the older we get...the most important thing to do is love unconditionally, but not confuse unconditionally love with the conditions of growing up".

I wish I could send my shoulder for you to cry on, and just listen to how it feels for you tonight.

It sounds like you love your son very much.

8:52 PM  
Blogger Sarah e.Smith said...

I hope all is well...i'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a bad night.

Sending you a BIG hug from up North :)

9:11 PM  
Blogger lela said...

holding you tightly from afar...

my heart aches for you as i know these feelings you are talking about. i do know that when i do something that could break the hearts of my children, i always tell them i am so sorry... that i was wrong... and that i love them. i ask them for forgiveness.

i hope you are able to forgive yourself because i know that your baby will forgive you if you ask.

xoxoxoxo

9:22 PM  
Blogger *aimee* said...

Oh how my heart longs to take even the smallest amount of pain from you. Sending hugs and lots of prayers your way.

9:34 PM  
Blogger tess said...

Hello, there. I have peeked in on your blog a few times. I'm not a Mommy (except to my hubby)but can empathize with that crushing feeling when it seems like you just can't move beyond what you've done. I am sending prayers your way. Remember that you, too, have a little girl inside of you. She may have made a mistake. If she were your own actual child, you would likely forgive her. That perspective helps me to get through many things I do. Hold on, and let love wash over you.

9:40 PM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

I am aat the bottom tonight too. There will be night tears across many miles. Know that your love can mend whatever happened with Britton. I am opening my heart and arms to you tonight and putting you in a tender spot to heal.

9:51 PM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

oh honey...i am so sorry you are feeling this way.

i too wish i could wrap you up in a big warm hug, so you could let it all out.

if you want to exchange some thoughts, you know my email. i am here...

we are all indeed holding your hand thru this. try to take big, deep breaths and cradle that little one. he knows you love him with your life. he knows.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous Irene said...

(((hugs)))
you're not alone Michelle.

12:35 AM  
Blogger EmergingCrone said...

Michelle,
The sun is already up and you are already feeling your power rise up within you as the sun rises in the sky. The moon mother is now waxing and each evening if you go out at twilight - you will see her light increasing and know that she is shining down on you and loving you - she sees within your heart and knows you are a more than "good-enough" mother.

Whatever happened - shows that you are human...and is an opportunity for you to forgive yourself and love yourself... You will make resitution. Your son is resilient and will forget or he will forgive.

You have filled your son with so much love. You have created a safe-enough container for him. He is strong enough to erperience some pain and rejection.

And when he is grown - he will have this large community of "other mothers" who followed his emerging life and no matter where he is on the planet - you will have created a loving space for him through your sharing deeply from your heart - here in this blog.

Be gentle on yourself...
Mother yourself the way you imagine your son needs to be mothered now.

Love,
Julie in Virginia

5:11 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

awwwwwww....

it'll be ok...
i'll tell you the same thing
i tell my kids
(and myself)
when things seem horrible...
it won't feel so bad in the morning.

and man,
you need to add me to your msn,
do you use that?
cause i am ALWAYS online
and if you need to talk,
i am here...
hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs...

5:58 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

{{{{{Michelle}}}}}
I'm only just reading this entry this morning, but I hope things are better for you and Britton today. Children have amazing bounce-back-abilty y'know, so I'm betting whatever happened will bother you a lot longer and worse than it'll bother him.

6:22 AM  
Anonymous bella said...

Saturday morning is here. Yey! Maybe your heart still aches - but we are given a fresh start each day. Maybe you can use today as a stepping stone, and emerge back up into the sunlight. Things like this happen to all moms and scar our hearts. What I've learned, as many of the commentors have also said, is that kids forget faster than we do. I hope you and Britton have a better day today and sending many hugs your way.
Motherhood is truly the hardest job in the world... you're only human and bound to mess up once in a while. I know I have.

6:39 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Oh Michelle,

I don't know what happened but I too have broken my child's heart. The first time it happened I remember thinking, "That's it. I've done it. He'll never forget. I'm not a good mother anymore." I had obviously had it in my head that it was not ever okay to screw up as a mama. But sweetie - it IS okay. It really really is. It sucks and feels awful and I know I felt like I'd messed up my record of mommy goodness and couldn't really be good again. But I was. And I am. And YOU ARE. We are human and not perfect and that is perfectly okay. And even though this may not make you feel any better right now, what is amazing about children is that I think they know we aren't perfect but they are so amazing and giving that they are capable of forgiving us sincerely. And sometimes, often I think, the scars we think we might be leaving aren't really there. I wish so much that we could all hold you right now. I know the sinking feeling i had when this happened with my son. You are not alone. not at all. Please email if you need more. I would be happy to listen or share how I got through the breaking my baby's heart moments (there have been a few).

xxxooooxoxoxoxoxoox Jennifer

7:34 AM  
Anonymous Toryssa said...

Motherhood is so... large. And encompassing. It's, I am struggling right now, too. Not so much with my son, but the immense responsibility of being the only one. The one that is surely to cause some long lasting damage. Having no one to talk to about it, because when I try, it get's downplayed. A friend actually said to me yesterday, "You don't seem to remember how much he gets on your nerves sometimes." And I was wordless, my child's millions of WHY's a day are sometimes annoying, but that is the EASY part of being a parent.
I'm sorry. I feel what you were feeling when you wrote that. And it hurts, more than any other hurt. I know those tears. And I know that forgiving yourself can be difficult.
I'm thinking of both you and B this morning, and I hope that there are less tears and lots of hugs and remembering that we can't be perfect, but that that is ok.

9:00 AM  
Blogger melba said...

This morning I yelled at Ethan during breakfast...he was DRIVING ME CRAZY...so I sent him to his room where he just cried and I finished my eggs. After a few minutes Sean asked, "are you ever going to get him?" Finally I got up and just layed down on his bed and held him and I didn't say anything, but I was thinking sometimes Motherhood Sucks...and I wish I could do better. But then I thought some more...Better...what's better? I just hope to raise children that know they are loved and that the world is a beautiful place. Eventually we got up and I gave him a piggyback ride into the kitchen where he finally ate his breakfast. While I was cleaning up I thought how Being a Good Mother is the Toughest Job in the World. It really is and I just wish the world would acknowledge this truth...

Hoping Saturday is a brighter day for you. Give your baby lots of hugs today; really it helps.

9:25 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

Oh Michelle, this breaks my heart because I've been there and it's always when alone. I hope that now with it being Saturday, that you've had a night's sleep and that today is better. Michelle, trust me on this one....Britton LOVES YOU and while you've hurt him and he's sad, he will never stop loving you. Motherhood is the hardest job ANY of us will ever have and there will be many days that we suck-ass at it. Just the way it is. But there are many more that we shine and soar and this will happen soon too. I just know it. I wish I lived closer.....you could cry, we could drink some wine and laugh at our mistakes. Hang in there girlfriend....I promise it gets easier.

9:29 AM  
Blogger GreenishLady said...

Oh, Darling Girl, I wish I could be there to pat your shoulder, and stroke your hair and say It will be ok. It will be ok. Love is a resilient thing, and whatever it is, because you love him, it will be ok. Us imperfect mothers all have those moments in our memories. Shhh, There, there.

9:44 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

Stand here, in the middle of these comments, and know that you are loved. Today is a new day.
a.

9:54 AM  
Blogger blackbird said...

if I were there - I hug you...
I hope it's better today.

12:46 PM  
Blogger megg said...

Oh Michelle - I echo what everyone else has said. You are wonderful. I am inspired by every single post you make - especially the ones about your son. He's lucky - LUCKY do you hear me - to have you! He's especially lucky to have a Mom who is human. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world. Be gentle with yourself. I send you a warm hug and a cup of tea and a handkerchief - the old fashioned kind with the embroidery - and the knowledge that you are loved, appreciated, and supported!! xoxo

1:03 PM  
Blogger Cee said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Your son's childhood memories will be filled with all those loving moments with his wonderful mother, not one night when he was upset. Be easy with yourself - you do an amazing job.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Your breaking my heart here!! I hope you are feeling better now, Britton is not going to remember one bad time amongst a bunch of fun, kids are extreamly forgiving. I wish you a happier weekend!!

3:08 PM  
Blogger ArtsyMama said...

Ok, I'm scared here for you Michelle...are you ok?? Take care of yourself! It's ok.

6:23 PM  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

Michelle, I'm leaving this note for you, one that is trying to say that whatever your going through, whatever pain that your feeling...you have me, us...Please, please...send us a note. Let us know your all right.

3:00 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

Our loving Mama wagons are circled around you Michelle.
Hugs,
a.

7:26 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

It's Sunday morning now, and I'm wondering what the last 24 or so hours have brought for you. My heart is thinking of you...and wondering for you. You are okay...you haven't ruined your baby...and he loves you more than he even can understand, and will always find forgiveness in that. Hugs to you, Michelle...

Share more with us soon.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Shannon (Sentimental) said...

I am sending you all kinds of momma hugs. I am sorry sweetie, and I wish you a better day today.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

The thing about the bottom? The only way to go from there is up.

I don't know what happened. I don't now how bad it really was. I do know that you love Britton more than anything, and that he loves you -- and that will get you through this.

Be kind to yourself, Michelle. There is no need for the hurt to perpetuate.

12:02 PM  
Blogger lovegreendog said...

i hope you are feeling better

hand squeeze

12:25 PM  
Blogger Laume said...

You don't really know me, but I read your blog regularly. I am enamored of the pure sweetness of your photographs.

However, I needed to chime in with everyone else and give you a huge cyber hug. Nothing feels worse then feeling ripped from the link to your child.

I don't know what the situation is, but my suspicions is it has something to do with coming to that time when you can no longer create a perfect world for your child. Some mothers, like me, like you, wanted absolute perfection for our children, no mistakes, no slap dash efforts. PERFECTION. And to a certain degree, we can fool ourselves into believing we can do this ridiculous thing, when our children are young. Alas, the older they become, the more the world intrudes, the more complex the needs and questions and pushing and pulling comes from all sides and one day, we look at our children's lives, our relationship with them, and we weep at the truth. We can not protect our children from the world. We can not protect our children from ourselves.

I've gone through it with my own five children. I've listened to friends pour their heart out over coffee or over the phone when it happened to them and had to sit there, watching their pain, and then tell them that it was inevitable and they have to be brave and strong and get back in what is now a NEW game.

The thing you have to understand is, you can't give your child perfection. But you can give them something far more important. The ability to learn how to love and forgive. Someone said that children forget more easily. I'm not sure that's true. But I do believe it's true that children forgiv more easily. There hearts are far more open and accepting. So you and your son will learn how to pick up the pieces, forgive, accept, move on, mend, build a small shrine and lay flowers on this small death along the path of life, and then go on to much stronger relationship. And some day, when it's important, you will have laid the seeds for your son to be able to do this with important people in his future.

I have made mistakes, broken my childrens' hearts. They have broken mine from time to time. And even more painful then either, I've had to see them have their hearts broken, their trust betrayed, by others who had no interest or made no effort in making things better. But here's the thing, because I chose to teach them how to pick oneself up, apologize, and move on, my children have learned how to do that and our relationships, now that all but one of them are now adults, are incredibly strong and supportive.

You have this type of love and relationship with your son. It oozes out of every page on your blog.

Hug.

1:19 PM  
Blogger tara dawn said...

My heart is breaking for you...how badly I wish that we could all be there to hold you and wipe your tears, to help you find some peace admist the pain. Know that I am here...my email and phone are always available (just email for my phone number:).
Sending you lots of healing wishes, big bear hugs, and tons of love, sweet girl...
Tara Dawn

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Toryssa said...

I don't think that I have ever checked a blog as obsessively for an update as I have yours this weekend. I am thinking about you and wishing you well.

5:06 PM  
Blogger lela said...

i keep checking for an update. hope you are ok.
enveloping you warmly in love and hugs.

xoxoxo
lela

7:10 PM  
Blogger A'tuin said...

This is going to sound callous, but sometimes, we have to break our kids hearts (I know I've missed an apostrophe). Its called keeping them safe. I'm sure you did what had to be done to keep your little guy safe.

Remember, things seem better after you sleep on it.

7:41 PM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Michelle,

I have come back to your blog as often as I have prayed...Love heals all wounds, and you have a store full...withi your heart, within your relationships and with your little boy...hold on to this...
Hoping all is okay with you.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I'm here for you, understanding, hoping that you and your little boy have worked through it. Children are resilient, as someone wise above me said, and you are both full of love for each other.

Be gentle with yourself. This motherhood gig is tough. Let us all give you what you need.

10:33 PM  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

wish we were neighbors...i would come over and hug you!

5:12 AM  
Blogger Wenda said...

Michelle, I stand with the tribe in reminding you of all the things you do right with your child, including the self-revealing letters you write by which one day he learn more about his mother than he already knows and know his mother better than most of us ever had or will have the chance to know and understand ours.

9:40 PM  

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