Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Rest of the Story


So, after writing last night's post I crawled in bed and let my thoughts swallow me up. Curled in the dark, I realized a little more of the puzzle that my emotions are piecing together.

As part of my healing journey I entered counseling again a few weeks ago. Not because anything is "wrong" but because sometimes I need to check in with myself. I need to make certain I'm committed to being my healthiest and happiest self. I need I little extra incentive to keep on my path. And therapy can offer me that. Therapy can also offer a new perspective, keep me real, and call me out on any bullshitting I might be prone to.

This week's session was difficult. I cried about some experiences that happened more than 10 years ago, things I haven't let myself cry about for over a decade. And that my friends is not easy. I am a "feeler" but I am also a "holder backer." I cry easily. I cry over commercials and song lyrics. I cry in movies and when I finish a really good book. I cry over the cute bomb squad guy getting blown up on Grey's Anatomy. I cry while watching Extreme Home Makeover. But I cry alone and in private. I keep the expression of my deepest emotions all to myself. It's my little secret. I rarely cry in front of anyone, even Trey. So crying this week in front of my therapist was extraordinary.

And guess what? She wants more. I don't mean she wants more crying. She wants to delve deeper into my emotions. She wants me to feel. And I'm scared of what that might mean. I don't know whether I can "go there." I don't know if I want to feel it all. So the raw vulnerability I wrote about last night is my recovery from this week's session and my hesitancy to go any deeper. Will going deeper be a freeing and healing experience? Probably. Will it help me face myself and move forward? Sure. But its the having to feel so much that I'm uncertain about. It's the unknown that I'm backing away from. Yes, we'll take it slowly but still...

We won't meet this week, but the following week I will have to let my therapist know what I want from our sessions. I will have to make a decision about whether or not to go to the place I'm dreading. I will have to decide if I think I'm up to it, if I think I can trust myself enough to "go there," if I have the courage this will require. That is why I'm feeling a little raw and vulnerable this week. And that my friends is the rest of the story.

21 Comments:

Blogger The Individualist said...

Beautiful picture. And at "I cry over commercials and song lyrics. I cry in movies and when I finish a really good book. I cry over the cute bomb squad guy getting blown up on Grey's Anatomy. I cry while watching Extreme Home Makeover. But I cry alone and in private. ", my personal opinion about that is that it is the way a human ought to be. No. I don't mean crying over everything. But crying over the stuff you cry over. Books. Movies. A moving incident on tv. Not many people are capable of it. You are. And now, you have a reason to smile. :>

7:26 PM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

I go back and forth with counseling....it gives me tools to get through the next period, whatever that may be.
I cry easily and in front of people and always have. It's scary being on the brink of feelings that have been put away, scary on the brink of change but necessary and your probably ready, otherwise you wouldn't be there. I admire you for going there and also sharing the process.

7:32 PM  
Blogger European said...

I think that crying in front of your therapist was a good thing, or rather, the beginning of a good thing. I've recently become a cry-about-commercials type of person. It's something that is sort of embarrassing to me, but it also fills me with pride. And since it started, I feel better about me and my life.
And it all started with me suddenly starting to violently sob when I was having a conversation with a bunch of lady-friends. We were all misty-eyed that night...

8:04 PM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

I am a "feeler" too. I try to put on the big front that I'm not that vulnerable but I am. I cry at all kinds of things. I have a friend who always says, "It wouldn't be at your door if you couldn't handle it." I think you can go there. I think you're ready or the choice wouldn't be in front of you. Thanks for sharing this.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Frankie said...

One of my dear friends has been talking to me recently about therapy and how much it's helped him. I've never gone. There have been so many times in my life when I've felt as though I wanted to, needed to, but I never did. I don't think I realized until reading your words that it was out of fear that I never took the step to go help myself. I have been afraid to face that side of me that wants to cry and be vulnerable and honest. You've given me the courage to want to try to take that step forward. Thank you for that. Thank you for being honest and brave and vulnerable and inspiring me with it all. I hope that we can both be courageous enough to allow ourselves to really feel, far beyond tears. I hope that we can take that journey, together.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous nikol said...

The way out is the way in...

Your life is at the bottom of all that shit and the only way to that life is through the mess, remember the mess...

you have everything you need to continue on your journey, and you have been there to witness parts of mine, thank you for sharing more parts of yours...

A worker [bee] is just over a centimeter long and weighs only about sixty milligrams; nevertheless, she can fly with a load heavier than herself.
- The Honey Bee

here's to letting go of some more of the load...

9:06 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

I cry in movies and books often, TV occasionally. If the story has emotion, why not experience it? Would you feel awkward if you laughed at the funny parts? No. Then cry at the parts that make you want to cry.

And if it is your story that is being told, who better to cry at the sad bits?

---

Unfortuantately the only emotion the advertisements on Australian TV raise in me is nausea. You must have better commercials than us.

9:40 PM  
Blogger mati rose said...

i'm proud of you, brave one who goes there!

11:18 PM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

good for you...
personally,
i think we can all benefit from
some sort of therapy/counselling/someone
objective to listen to us that
makes us feel we don't have to
censor what we say...

good for you.
:)

5:09 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

Sending you courage vibes to have the strength to delve deeper into those deep crevices your soul needs to visit...

5:37 AM  
Blogger blackbird said...

ah.
so.
a hard time ahead of you and perhaps behind you as well.

I'm with you...

6:11 AM  
Blogger Josephine said...

You are such an inspiration to me since I've encountered your writing, here. That being said, I just thought I'd pass along a little NY Times article about this very subject that I stumbled across yesterday.

In short, the whole of psychiatry is turning from the practice of emotive therapy to behavioral therapy for several empiracally supported reasons.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/14/health/psychology/14psyc.html?_r=1&incamp=article_popular_4&oref=slogin

Oh...it looks like you might have to copy and paste it, sorry I couldn't get it to link right here...

At any rate, it's just a thought I thought you might perhaps be interested in.

Kindest Wishes and thank you for such honest and beautiful writing ~ Josephine

7:52 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I wish you the best. You can do it!! I know it's hard to go places you've never alowed yourself to go, and easier to just stay put, but it's worth it.

8:08 AM  
Blogger telfair said...

Therapy was tough for me, but ultimately, extremely liberating and helpful...it really gave me "permission" to do things and feel things and say things that I never would have been able to do, on my own, at that point in my life.
Good luck with your decision-making...I know you'll do what's best for you!

2:40 PM  
Anonymous julia said...

You've just described me to a T ... my emotionalism-slash-stoicism, what I'm facing with my therapist, why I'm in therapy, etc.

It was amazing and very scary to find myself in those places with someone else, someone who I think is actually qualified to be there with me. But it feels good, too, inasmuch as I trust and like my therapist, and it is an unexpected relief to let her be with me in moments like that. It feels something like checking my savings balance and finding several thousand dollars. Only, um, an emotional savings account. Like, "Hmmm, maybe I am making some headway."

Good luck.

3:44 PM  
Anonymous julia said...

Erm, by "qualified" I meant: can understand things in a particular way, and can call me on them!

3:46 PM  
Blogger melba said...

I have been to therapy several times through out my life. all because of reasons like yours...to check in, check myself. Sometimes though I think a therapist likes to dig too deep...not always and not with everyone, but sometimes I don't think the benefits outway the pain. I pray that you have a really competent therapist. Trust your instincts...and go at the pace you feel comfortable. I think therapy is difficult and sometimes feels uncomfortable on purpose. But again trust yourself, listen you will know what to do.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I love this picture. I have felt somewhat obsessed with clouds these days.

I started going to someone after my mother passed away. Sometimes there is a month between visits sometimes a week, depending on how I am feeling. I am the type of person that would be pretty freaked out if he told me he wanted to get me to go deeper, instead of letting it happen naturally. I know I have a lot of walls I tend to put up and it takes a lot for me to feel safe to really go into depth. I needed to know that I wouldn't be pushed into dealing with things according to some plan or another persons agenda, but rather by my own pace. Subsequently I have worked through things I never would have willingly agreed to ahead of time, by being consistent with going and letting it come up on it's own.

I had been to a few therapists while my mom was sick, that just didn't make me feel comfortable.
Please be sure your gut tells you it is the right person and right method. You deserve to get the most from the experience.

5:28 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

I cry easily, too...but lately haven't allowed myself to. I've been feeling almost like if I start I might cry for a long time. I also realized while I was offline that my bloglife is a bit like therapy for me...it allows me to process feelings that I otherwise keep pent up...

7:56 PM  
Blogger Michelle Fry said...

Oh man, holding back is my big weakness as well. I wish you lots of srength through your new process.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Swirly said...

You are on that edge, and crossing the line (or taking the leap, etc.) is the hardest part. Taking that very first step is the most challenging moment. But once you take it you will discover new reserves of strength and energy you probably did not know you have.

4:53 PM  

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