Saturday, February 25, 2006

MamaSaysOm - 20 Things

Dear Britt,

20 Things I want you to know about me...

  1. I'm still not sure I've gotten this whole parenting thing figured out. I'm learning along the way.
  2. I'm one of those people who thrives on solitude, and a lot of it. So when I slip away to be alone, it's just my need to refuel myself.
  3. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to sit in the feelings. It's not easy. Sometimes I want to fix it, push it away, or quiet your emotions. I'm learning to allow, to sit with them, to let them exist and find their expression.
  4. I know there are times my actions betray my intentions but I really do have a good heart.
  5. When I was about 4 my mom dropped me off at pre-school one morning. We were running behind and she was going to be late for work, so she didn't walk me to the door. When I got to the door and saw the other kids already playing I didn't have the courage to go inside. So I walked home and waited on the porch for my parents to come home. Not a smart (or safe) thing to do but for some reason I was more afraid of walking into the classroom alone than I was of walking home.
  6. In 5th grade I wet my pants at school and it was humiliating. We were performing a program which was being tapped. I was too shy to ask to be excused but I couldn't hold it any longer. It was totally embarrassing.
  7. The first boy who ever broke my heart was Lyle. He "asked me out" and then later I found out it was only because he was in a contest with another boy to see who could get the most girlfriends all at one time. I was just a number.
  8. I took piano lessons in junior high. I even won a couple of contests. But any time I had to perform in a recital I always messed up. Always! Performing in front of a room full of strangers was too much pressure. My mom would still purchase a copy of the taped performances--even though I sucked. I never could understand why. It felt like adding fuel to the fire of my embarrassment. Now I know. A mother loves her child, mistakes and all.
  9. I was a Future Farmer of America in high school. I even won a 1st place belt buckle for my chickens. Although it was a lot of fun the real reason I joined ag was to connect with my dad.
  10. My parents divorced when I was five. My dad moved to Colorado and my sisters and I only saw him at Thanksgiving and a couple of weeks out of the summer. When I was young I used to sleep with a picture of him under my pillow. I cried for him and felt his absence well into my 20s.
  11. I always blamed my mom for their divorce. Now that I'm divorced myself I better understand how complicated relationships can be and that it is rarely just one persons fault.
  12. Because my mom was the primary care giver she took a lot of the brunt of my anger, my rebellion, and my depression. I've said and done a lot of hateful and hurtful things and she has taken it all. And do you know what, and please listen closely, she still loves me. And I will still love you.
  13. My best friend is Trey. The fact that he also happens to be your father works out quite nicely.
  14. Earlier in the week, when you took all the cushions off the couch and jumped on it right after I'd put them back on and asked you not to do that again and then I yelled at you, catching you off guard and frightening you, well, after I did that I felt really crummy about myself and I really regretted it. I'm sorry. I hope you will forgive me.
  15. One of my favorite memories is going to a coffee shop in Austin called Spiderhouse. In that moment, just an ordinary moment really, I suddenly became all the things I've always wanted to believe I was. In that afternoon I was alive. I was an artist, a dreamer, a poet, a creator and a carefree gypsy spirit. I was breathing. And of course I had my camera in hand.
  16. One of the best days of my life was the day you were born. On that day I felt intense joy. I felt alive and conscious and connected to the grounded center of my being. I was breathing on that day too.
  17. The highlight of my week was our date Friday night. Life doesn't get any more perfect than you sitting in my lap, my arms around you, a tub of popcorn in your lap, sharing a movie together.
  18. I always wanted to be a famous actress or a dancer or a rock star or a poet. Sometimes I still do.
  19. I tell you all of these stories because I want you to know I am real. I'm human. I've been there...and I haven't forgotten.
  20. I love you more than anything else in this world.


Blogger Lee said...

That's truly lovely.

I hope it gets printed out and kept somewhere special, to be looked at again and again, and not disappear into the ether.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

What a lovely addition this is to all the wonderful letters for him you've posted here. He's one lucky little guy to have you for his Mama.

12:26 AM  
Blogger megg said...

Hi there -

What a sensitive little soul you were (and are!) He's so lucky to have a Mom who remembers what it's like to be a frighened little person, and who obviously loves him and is in touch with how she's feeling about the whole thing. This is another lovely letter he will treasure!

1:31 AM  
Blogger Cate said...

This is one of the most genuine, generous, and lovely things I've ever read. Your little boy will treasure this list, I'm sure, when he is able to read it, and love you even more for it, if that's even possible :)

5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I read love letters from mothers to their sons, I know there is hope for the mending of the world.

Your letter is a beautiful expression of who you are and you are raising a son who will appreciate and understand women in all their wildness, complexity, and passion.

And for that I am grateful.

Julie in Virginia

5:49 AM  
Blogger bella said...

That was really beautiful.

6:03 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

I just love listening to you girl1 Straight from the heart! One of my best blog friends lives in Austin! have a good one girl!

7:24 AM  
Blogger ArtsyMama said...

I love this! Just beautiful:) Said with such heart. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Great list -- fun to read and really touching! (I love it in these blogs where authentic life meets good writing - it's so rewarding). Also, about your last post: I cried every single time I read Red Fern, and that may easily have been ten times. I still remember those cries feeling kind of luxurious.

9:38 AM  
Blogger AscenderRisesAbove said...

awwww I love this photo! I don't think the parenting thing is ever figured out. So interesting that you were allowed in Future Farmers of America; in our school girls could only join FHA: Future Homemakers of America... in other words: Future Housewives of the Future Farmers. You sound like a wonderful mother.

10:08 AM  
Blogger melba said...

This was a nice post; I like finding out more about you. My son just watched the Incredibles for the first time last week...he loved it.

I also liked your comment post. It made me think more about how the change happened for me. For SO LONG I did not know what I wanted to do, but "IT" felt just around the corner. A few things that helped me: writing in my journal everyday(which I think you do), writing a mission statement, (It has evolved over the years, but the core message of service never changes for me.), this exercise...write a word you want in the center of a page (like job)...then all around that word write what your ideal would include (flexible hours, close to home, interesting co-workers)once a day meditate on that page. I have done this several different times in my life and had amazing results. You could also do the exercise, but then not look at it for a week. When you go back you might be surprised at what you think you want and where you actually are in your life.
Going to therapy I am sure will help too.
Finally, Be open to receiving all the positive energy I know is coming your way!

10:42 AM  
Blogger Frankie said...

A perfect 20 things for Britton, for you, for the world to know. I love this list and I love how filled with love it is. I hope that someday I'll be a mother as wonderful as you. I really do mean it. I adore that moment when you walked into Spiderhouse. I've had some of those myself. I like feeling as though we have similar experiences. It helps me to believe that maybe someday, I'll be lucky enough to be half the person you are.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous irene said...

I love this list, but it's the picture that I keep looking at. it is SO BEAUTIFUL.

1:04 PM  
Blogger telfair said...

This made me want to cry...just because of the vulnerability that we all feel, but try to hide from each other because we're embarrassed. I remember being so scared to walk into school sometimes, with a big lump in my throat, and looking around, and wishing I could see just one other person who looked as intimidated as I felt, and never being able to find anyone.
I'll bet if you & I had been at school together, we would have been friends!

1:23 PM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

Your mama says om posts always make me cry. I love this one.

2:17 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

That's an amazing list of things to share with Britton.

I love the photo too.

2:24 PM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

I always love the things your write for Britton! He is very lucky to have you as his mama. Truly.'re last post on children's books inspired me to share a little story of my own...I love the wisdom that is being passed along.

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You would be breaking a rule at my house..."no fake tattoos during the school year"...heehee. I really enjoyed reading your list. Beautiful post as usual!

6:40 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

you broke my heart just a little bit with this list. and I so love your honesty and hopefulness too. you are such an inspiration.

6:55 PM  
Anonymous lela said...

oh this list is so honest and so wonderful!

7:48 PM  
Blogger The Cubicle Reverend said...

Heart wrenching, sometimes the things that are the most poetic are the things we do not intend. By the way, your son is a cutie.

7:57 PM  
Blogger *aimee* said...

I don't think I have ever read one of your posts without walking away in have amazing ability and I really admire you. I learn from you, I laugh with you, and sometimes I cry. I don't always respond but I always read...everyday. I hope that when I become a mother, I am as honest in letters to my child, as you are with your son. I hope I allow myself to be as real. Thank you.

8:17 PM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

i love how your
lists are so varied
and real...
the thought and the details contained.


4:55 AM  
Blogger Toni said...

Your writing is beautiful. Don't ever let it slip away.
And the parenting thing? I've been a mom for 22 years (23 in September) and I still don't have it down.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Josephine said...

This is a beautiful notion, to tell your son about who you are. I wish my mother had done this along the way for me, because more than knowning about me when I was growing up, I really have always wanted to know more about her and the inner workings of her heart.

You are a treasure, this brought tears to my eyes!!


8:38 AM  
Blogger tara dawn said...

How beautiful your love is, and how lucky your little one is to have such a loving and open mama. I hope that one day, when I have my own babies, I may remember to leave such beautiful messages for my babies as well.

12:31 PM  
Anonymous melanie said...

this brought tears to my eyes. you write with such sincerity, love, authenticity, hopefulness... it is very inspiring.

8:27 PM  

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