Thursday, February 02, 2006

I've Been Dreaming Again

What is it with my Wednesday nights lately? I've been having the most thought provoking dreams. Check this one out...

Britton and I were at home together. In this dream we lived in a two-story apartment. The living area was downstairs and the bedrooms were upstairs. We were upstairs when we heard a knock on the door. As I came down the stairs a gentleman opened the front door and informed me that we would have to evacuate the apartment because the entire complex was on fire. Sure enough, thick, gray smoke filled the upper floor. I grabbed Britton and fled. The only other thing I took with me was the book I had been reading and happened to still be holding.

Outside we gathered with the other apartment inhabitants and watched as smoke floated from the rooftops and filled the air. I kept wondering where the fire department was. Why weren't they here trying to put out the flames? I noticed that my apartment was just barely smoldering. Maybe I could run inside and salvage a few belongings. So I left Britton sitting on the grass and went back in. I immediately started with the computer equipment. I knew that financially Trey's wealth of computer equipment was the smartest thing to save first, plus there was this part of me that wanted to give this gift to Trey, wanted to please him. One by one I was attempting to pull routers, monitors, CPUs to safety. All the while I was thinking, this fire isn't too bad, maybe my apartment can be saved. If only the fire department would hurry. In the meantime I used my cell phone to call Trey, who was at work. He ignored me, cut me off, and said, "I'll call you in a minute" (which by the way he does do to me sometimes...ugh!) I was so angry. I slammed my phone against the desk several times then attempted to reach him again. This time I didn't give him the opportunity to cut me short. "The apartment is on fire. Everything will be lost. I'm saving what I can. You need to get home NOW." He started crying because the computer equipment would be lost. He promised to be there as soon as he could. I was joined by a man who knew some things about computers. He was helping me pull cables out of the wall and carry everything outside. All the while Britton was sitting quietly in the midst of our accumulating pile of possessions.

Trey showed up so I turned the computer saving over to him. I started trying to save my books. One by one my finger ran through the shelves of books and I chose only the books I loved. It was a hard decision. I had to practice great intention as the time I had to save anything was becoming shorter and shorter. I had to leave most of Toni Morrison's works and several books that were so new I had not had the chance to read them yet. I took my pile to the safety of the curb. Britton was still patiently waiting.

I decided my next move would be to gather some of Britton's favorite toys. I was taking a risk going to the second floor but I felt certain I had a bit more time. My grandmother happened to show up which was a great relief because now there was someone to keep an eye on Britton while Trey and I were engrossed in our rescue efforts. I headed to Britton's bedroom and began the sorting. I grabbed the wooden box which contained the pocket knife engraved with the word "timshel", a gift for his first birthday, and which also contained some blonde locks of hair from his first haircut. I grabbed the Pooh bear I purchased the day after I found out I was pregnant and slept with every night before Britton was born so that it would absorb my scent and allow my scent to always be with him while he was in the nursery at the hospital, our first moments to be parted in 9 months. I grabbed his favorite blocks and his grocery cart and food. I was maneuvering it downstairs when I noticed Britton in the house. Not only was he in the house but he was bringing in all the stuff I had just been working so hard to haul out. I was so angry at my grandmother for not watching him more closely. I took him outside to be with her again and worked on getting all the stuff back outside. I begged Trey to call is mother for assistance with Britton. I wanted someone I knew I could trust to keep him out of harm's way. But Trey didn't want to mess with that.

I then went back to Britton's room to gather some of his books. I was trying to figure out how to slide a huge tub of books down the stairs when I noticed Trey stuffing some of his personal items, clothes and such, into a suitcase. Clothes! I hadn't even thought about clothes. I left the books, shouted for Trey to bring me the other suitcase, and began selecting my favorite items of clothing. I threw in this skirt, a couple of skirts I bought with my Christmas money, and a cute bandana skirt I haven't had for years. I was trying to find my favorite white button up GAP shirt but it was no where to be found. I was frantically searching everywhere because I knew our time was expiring. The electricity had gone out, the smoke was pouring in, and the smoke detector was deafening. As I exited the closet I notice Britton, in his room, on the bed, completely naked, dousing himself with the powder I keep in his room (it's in a fancy shaker and I call it his dream dust.) At first I couldn't help but let my heart melt at the site of that cute little toosh but then I got really, really angry at my grandmother. Wasn't she aware of the danger? I grabbed Britton up, raced down the stairs and found my grandmother carrying on a leisurely conversation with a neighbor lady. I pushed Britton into her arms (not caring that he didn't have a stitch of clothes on--I could get clothes later) and started yelling at her. "You have got to watch Britton! He can't come into the house! Don't you understand that the roof could cave in at any second! You have to watch him!" I turned to run back into the house when I noticed a fire truck coming toward the complex. Finally! However, the SUV in front of it wasn't letting it through. Driving the SUV was one of the vice-Presidents of the University I work for. He was laughing about the inconvenience he was causing, not caring about the homes of others because he had plenty of money and therefore no cares in the world. I thought, if my house burns to the ground because of him he will hear about it when I get to work tomorrow.

And that's when I woke up. I had been so engrossed in dreaming that I had to lay there for awhile to get my bearings. I felt a deep sadness surround me and that sadness lingered for most of the morning. The dream was so real. I was having to choose what to save and what to leave. I was trying to keep my son safe. I could so vividly see the things that I really own, fingering them slowly then selecting to save them or leaving them to burn. Even though it was just a dream the heaviness of those decisions, the heaviness of the work to salvage some of the life I've built, weighed down on me. I thought about this dream a lot today. I thought about my anger, my frustration, my helplessness. I thought about what it really takes not just to survive a tragedy but to keep your soul alive after such a devastation. And I'm thinking about it still. What do you think?


Blogger Michelle Fry said...

I don't know. I am usually good at dreams but this one has so many different things going on. I am stuck though by the last part about you looking at what was going on from the outside. You saw the VP of the University and thought "If he lets my house burn down he will be sorry". Does he keep you away from your house? Your safety? Cause you to question your sense of belonging? That is one part but the other is the computer equipment. Trey has a lot of computer equipment from the sounds of it. I don't know too many people who have routers and such at home. Do you feel like it's more important to him than your sense of home as though he puts it before your feeling of well being? Britton is funny in the dream because he doesn't see any threat. He is acting like a child and that scares you. It makes you want to protect him all the more. After having typed all this up, I think you feel like you are the one holding everything together and you see a threat from Trey and a threat from work. Both of them cause you to feel as though you alone are responsible for providing a sense of home or sanctuary but if you are inconvenienced, it's mildly amusing to them or not a big deal. That sounds harsh but dreams are always exaggerations. I think the key is that your sanctuary is threatened. Why?

Please forgive the long winded rant it took me to come to that conclusion.

10:17 PM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

Fire is my biggest fear. You should see the crazed ritual I put together when Marc is traveling and I'm the only one home.

I'm not good at interpreting dreams, not even my own.

4:32 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

i never try to interpret dreams.
it is funny how some of them linger
with you throughout the day though,
as if it was something that really
did happen...
which can feel very disturbing sometimes.

it is funny the amount of detail in
that dream...its amazing how the brain works...

5:36 AM  
Blogger megg said...

What an intense dream! It's ironic - I had a vivid dream last night & tried to write it down and decipher it. For fun try:

It's interesting, at least you can look up symbols. Their write up about fire might interest you!

7:48 AM  
Anonymous samantha said...

wow! I am really intruigued by michelle's interpretation of your dreams. Amazing. "Dream hangovers" are so strange and disconcerting, I feel for you. Hope your sleep was little more restful and restoring last night.

9:35 AM  
Blogger Josephine said...

Whew! That certainly was a full-bodied experience...even though I don't know you, I think that a couple of the elements in your dream are pretty universal themes for young women, especially young mothers.

The fire in your home represents your anxiety over sustaining your life and protecting your son in a sometimes brutal and uncontrolable world.

And I think you dreamt of the VP because, when you work for an organization that views you as expendable, and they don't pay you enough for your time and what they take of your life, it fosters natural resentment.

It's easy to view the leaders in such an organization as villians.

And I think the significance of the computer says something about how you think Trey feels about you.

A fascinating look into your psyche!! Thank you for sharing :)


10:31 AM  
Blogger Server Girl said...

wow! I always always have vivid dreams and always remember them....i always wonder what causes them..i had a strange dream last night too..maybe i will share it in my blog today too!

11:29 AM  
Blogger Server Girl said...

"Believe" is the other print that i want to get....i love Mati's stuff...too cute!! Did u have a problem finding a frame?...i am having difficulties finding that size...yes, it would look FAB next to the blooming print. :)

11:39 AM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

Michelle's comment is amazing. wow. i sometimes think that dreams mean exactly what you think they mean...and that they are your subconscious working "stuff out." This one was intense...I am always amazed that dreams can seem so real that they affect me for the rest of the day. Hope you have some peace-full rest this weekend.

12:12 PM  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

I always remember my dreams...but the one that always sets my heart racing is the one where the world gets covered in water and I am racing up to the surface for a breath of air...I always wake up before I breathe...this one happens regularly for me.

Dreams are always fascinating for me. They seem to have so many underlying meanings.

11:45 PM  

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