Sunday, January 15, 2006

MamaSaysOm - Reflection

Dear Britt,

Reflections on where you are today and what I know about our relationship...

  • You've never been much of a cuddler which is tough for me because I'd hold you, hug you, kiss you 24/7. So I take what I can get which usually means carefully slipping my arm around you while you're sitting next to me or stealing kisses when we have tickling matches.
  • What's most important to you is being a part of mine and Daddy's life. You'll pass up playing with toys for sitting in Dad's lap while he works at the computer or works in the yard or sitting beside me while I blog. You want to be a part of it all...a part of us...a part of belonging to a family.
  • You have a wonderful best friend at school named Trinity. The two of you have been together since you were 4 months old and since then if there was something going on, if one of you was in trouble, the other one was right there too. And while I'm so thankful for your closeness with her I sometimes worry about how dependent the two of you are on each other. Both of you refuse to eat breakfast until the other one gets there. She waits for you; you wait for her. Both of you get upset when the other on is giving someone else too much attention. There have been times you've refused to play with any of the other kids if she isn't there. And boy, even though the two of you care a lot about each other, ya'll fight like cats and dogs. Trinity goes home with scratches; you go home with bite marks. It's enough to make your teachers, and your parents, crazy.
  • Konstance is a sweet friend and every day when you leave school Konstance wants hugs and kisses. "Hugs Britt. Kisses Britt." Most days you willingly oblige but there are days you don't want to hug and kiss and so you'll say, "Not today Konstance." And that's that.
  • I can keep you occupied for large amounts of time by giving you any one of the following pairs of items: scissors (round tipped of course) and paper--cut-rip, cut-rip, cut-rip, until there are tiny scraps all over the place, spray bottle and paper towel--you'll stand at the sliding glass door and spray and wipe until the paper disintegrates and the bottle is empty, screw driver and your Read With Me DVD remote control--I don't know how your tiny hands do it but they will turn and turn and turn until the screw comes up and the face pops off, then you will put the face back in place and screw it all back together...over and over and over again.
  • Within the past few months I have been called mommy, mama, mom, mamasita, baby, baby doll, love, and pumpkin. Oh yeah, and there was the day you refused to call me and Dad anything but Amber...I don't know where that one came from.
  • It's not easy accepting that your relationship with me is different than your relationship with your Dad. Dad is your buddy, your pal. You hang out with him in the backyard while he's grilling. You tag along while he goes to the store. You talk to him about so much. Daddy is the cool parent. I'm the comforting parent. I'm the one you run to when you get hurt. I'm the one whose side of the bed you stumble your way to in the dark. I'm the one who has to wash your hair. Of course I love being there for you, being your safe person. And I have to admit that sometimes I'm jealous of how easily you get along with Daddy. Sometimes I want to be the buddy.
  • I do the best I can every day to balance the parent I want to be with my own demons. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
  • You would think it would be easy to let you be yourself but it's more difficult than you'll ever know--that is until you're a parent yourself. There are all these ideas of what a boy should be, should do, how a boy should act, what a boy should like and not like. It's hard fighting a society that is very set in it's ideas. And so I let you choose the pink necklace instead of the "boy" toy because as much as I want to protect you from some of the world's crazy ideas, I want you to be you even more and because I want to teach you something more than boxes that limit all the potential and possibility of people.
  • This week has had some rough spots but what I've learned from the people who care about me is that when it comes to parenting, when it comes to all of life, I don't have to be perfect, in fact I can't be perfect. All I can be is REAL. So today when I pulled your arm for walking into the street without me that was real--real fear. And earlier in the week when I threw the lotion that was real--real frustration. Tonight when I held you until you cried yourself to sleep because your toe got smashed, that was real--real concern. And all of this, everything, is real--real love.
  • I love you more than anything in this world...and you make me crazier than anything in this world.
  • Life is all about these kinds of sweet paradoxes.
Mommy...or should I say Amber?


Blogger gkgirl said...

this was so sweet
and REAL
i loved the "not today, konstance"

and it is nice to hear some of my own
worries and second-guessing and wondering and fears justified by
someone else...its nice to know
i'm not alone...


3:01 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

I love these letters to Britton because it reconfirms for me, all that I love about being a parent.

Ava was really into Marc for the first 3 years of her life. The day began and set on Daddy and it was hard. Now, I'm the bomb and it took getting used to, because I had some freedom when Marc was around and suddenly, I had my child attached to my leg, hip or following me around. Daddy is the rough-houser/buddy and I'm everything else.

The most amazing thing for me with having a child is the complex relationships that form with friends at such a young age! The kids that Ava is the closest to, are the ones that she fights with the most. Her best friend might as well be her sister for the way they fight at times!! Girls are evil at 3 years of age ~ 'your not my friend', 'your clothes/hair/shoes aren't beautiful' and the list goes on. I thought it didn't start until elementary school but I was wrong, wrong, wrong! It drives me crazy and I try to instill in my girl that pretty is on the inside with a kind and gentle heart, not the hairband/dress or jewelry that you insist on wearing. Sheesh!!

4:53 AM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

I am always so touched and moved by your letters to Britton. They are always so REAL and your doing your best to be the best parent you can be is also REAL--real loving.

6:47 AM  
Anonymous melanie said...

so many amazing thoughts... such an amazing kid! motherhood sure is one crazy, wild ride and your reflections remind me how precious this time really is.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

Sounding like an echo here, but I love reading your letters to Britton and he's so lucky that he'll have these to read later. And I'm totally cracking up at the thought of him calling you "Amber" and "Pumpkin".

6:58 AM  
Blogger Frankie said...

Oh, this is fabulous! I love the part about letting him pick the pink necklace over the "boy" toy. That's how I always was a kid (and actually, how I am now), I always went for the things that would make me stand out, that I could make my own. This is all so REAL. Real emotion, real spirit, real love. And your last line is wonderful. Life IS all about these kinds of sweet paradoxes.

8:27 AM  
Blogger artjunk~ said...

You have such a beautiful way of articulating your observations/feelings. It is obvious that you relish each special moment with your child from mundane to "real" to pretend to everything! marvelous!

7:42 PM  
Blogger Crazy MomCat said...

I don't know how old your son is, but I could have written those exact words about my son and our relationship about 2 years ago when he was 4. (OK, don't read my blog tonight or you'll worry where yours might be headed! HA!)

My son used to only want to play with "grils" (girls) back then, his favorite color was pink, and I worried about him a little about being picked on. Then, kindergarten was upon us, he quit talking to girls altogether (not that happy about that one), only likes "boy things" and would never say his favorite color is pink.

They change fast, so enjoy every minute!

8:35 PM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

So sweet and dear. You and I have a very similar deal with the wee boy really connected to Daddy and not getting the all the cuddles we'd love to have. I felt good reading your words because their familiarity comforted me. Thanks for that.

Good Job Momma!

3:05 PM  
Blogger KB said...

looove it!

8:39 PM  

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