Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Fear


I'm afraid of drowning in duty
I'm afraid of forgetting how to dream and want and desire
I'm afraid of never losing myself in passion, even if only for a few seconds
I'm afraid of coming to the end and never having really connected to the gypsy inside--
never having danced under the stars, never having stood naked in the rain,
never having dug my nails into the wild earth and known this earth is me
I'm afraid of never seeing Paris again or playing a guitar or reading my poetry in public
I'm afraid of realizing I've spent my life hiding from the people I love most
I'm afraid of Britton not knowing without a doubt that he is loved and valued
I'm afraid of not being loved, of the harsh sting of rejection
I'm afraid of being disconnected--body disconnected from spirit, spirit disconnected from mind, mind disconnected from body
I'm not so much afraid of looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself--I think that has happened from time to time as life has shifted under me and I've grown and evolved and let go
But I'm very afraid of looking in the mirror and thinking, I've lived my whole life never really knowing what I needed to keep my soul alive
I'm afraid there's not enough time to get all the words in my heart out before they die inside
I'm afraid of sitting in silence and not hearing my spirit breathe
I'm afraid of my lifeless body being placed in a box--I want to be put back into the earth where I came from, to melt into the dirt, to breathe life into the weeds, to continue on and on and on
I'm afraid that when my spirit finally releases from this skin, wiggling slowly between the rough rocks to loosen its hold like a rattlesnake in summer, that there will be too much love left behind that was never spent on who and what mattered most
I'm afraid of losing my imagination more than I am of losing my mind
I'm not afraid of being alone, you can be alone even when surrounded by people, but I'm very afraid of not being known
At times I'm afraid to look at my body, disappointed in what I see, and I wonder when I'll let go and rest in acceptance
And really, what probably scares me the most, is living from the depths of these fears

17 Comments:

Blogger melba said...

After reading your post I was thinking about how I use to drown in fear, so much so that I went to a therapist because I was having horrible anxiety attacks.I haven't had one in almost two years. I wish I could tell you exactly why my fear has dissipated, but I am not really sure. I know writing and creating art has helped me become more of myself..more comfortable showing my true self to the world. I think your fear too will dissolve by continuing to share your talents and baring your soul and becoming more you, a more authentic version of yourself. Sometimes this is difficult..be patient with yourself.

8:46 PM  
Blogger Frankie said...

This is so powerful. I love everything in it and feel like it's a reflection of my own thoughts, although mine are not nearly as elegant. I particularly love the part about being afraid of your body being placed in a box and not getting to be a part of the earth. I feel the exact same way. I quoted most of this in my journal. Thank you.

9:43 PM  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

oh my sweet dear...what emotions you have set inside my heart. Many things to ponder the night away! I know why I keep coming back here, because you say it, like I would like to!

10:41 PM  
Anonymous beansprout said...

And now I am in tears. I am afraid of so many of the very same things. You express it so beautifully and it has my very core vibrating. I once heard a monk that works in AIDS hospice say: "When people come to the end they really only want to know two things...was I loved? And did I love well?" I am certain when you push away the fear, you know in your heart that you are loved and you love well.

11:40 PM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

what a way you have
with committing words to paper
(or is it type?)
so well and
always hitting so sure
on what you are trying to say...
that is a gift.

3:21 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

You've reached into my heart and taken the feelings and put them into words. I fear so much and like Melba, I used to have crippling anxiety attacks that have dissipated. I too don't have the words to say why I've been better able to manage my fears, but for now, I have. Thank you for this post ~ your amazing Michelle and you are known and loved. Know that.

4:57 AM  
Blogger Suse said...

It's pushing through these fears that makes us really alive.

I have been facing this a lot lately, and as someone said to me today, 'Just remember to breathe ...!'

5:19 AM  
Blogger kelly said...

dance child dance!

i continue to be amazed that really we are all in the same
boat, on the same ride.

you put it in such an honest manner

5:44 AM  
Blogger red sun said...

in all the madness that is daily life, i think we're all afraid of losing our innocense, our creativity, and our desire to dream.
feel blessed in that you have a son to remind you of these gifts everyday...
keep on living strong!

6:47 AM  
Blogger snowsparkle said...

"I'm afraid of losing my imagination more than I am of losing my mind" love this fabulous line... the humor in it amid the litany of other fears is wonderful. i love your spirit and you will not go unknown by the likes of me. cheers for your courageous list of fears! --snowsparkle

9:46 AM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

Oh Michelle...your honesty here inspires me again and again. This summer I was in a workshop where we listed our fears and I realized I could go on and on and on. It scared me. The depth of the feelings. You have articulated your truth again with beauty and grace. The image of the spirit as the snake spoke to my soul today. Thank you.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous nikol said...

i see you, beautiful, beautiful michelle... i see you in all your gypsy magnificence and splendor

and i hear your ancient and amazing spirit breathing great sighs of relief for having found you, its release will be an eternity in the making and will be every bit as godly as are you...

2:49 PM  
Blogger stephoto said...

Oh yes. So much that I relate to here. This is very beautifully written and achingly honest. Thank you for that. And please, try to push down the fear and be brave in your risk-taking and creativity. It is obviously what makes you feel most alive. You won't be sorry if you continue to give yourself permission to take the leap. You must believe that you will not go unknown!

3:19 PM  
Blogger Moon said...

Im at a loss for words......
Simply moving and soul stirring.
You never fail to amaze me with your words.
It like climbing into a warm blanket on a frosty night. Your words are so very comfortable and comforting. The comfort comes from knowing that there are other women who share fears like mine...
Nemaste,
Moon

4:11 PM  
Blogger Trish said...

From the depths of your soul. Your words still amaze me!

5:47 PM  
Blogger meggiecat said...

Thanks for giving words to the very fears I'm feeling now.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Dina said...

I love this...beautiful, true, honest.

9:26 AM  

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