Thursday, December 15, 2005

What I Know Today


I know I can be full of contradictions, yes, I know that about myself.
I know I really try and honestly desire to be open minded and open hearted,
but every now and then something will sneak up, slip out,
and I'm surprised at myself.
And at those times I'm reminded that I live out of
the many layers of my heritage and experience,
so I must be gracious to myself
and let the change and growth come as it will.
I know I'm a seeker--always have been,
I know I've always headed straight for the deeper waters.
But, it's just been more recently that I've given myself permission to push--
to push past expectations, to push against instructions,
to push away from the status quo, in order to find what's right for myself.
I know I have a pilgrim's soul, never able to stay in one place too long because
I have somewhere sacred to be and I must keep traveling.
I know there are many things I'm afraid of, especially when it comes to my son.
Fear is everywhere.
But, I know the one thing I won't be afraid of is myself,
and I'm not just talking about the shadows and dark corners,
I won't be afraid of my power, beauty, and brilliance either.
I know shame. I've felt it. I've lived it.
I've let it slip in by not standing up for myself and my choices.
I've avoided people, been unable to make eye contact, broken relationships,
all because of shame.
And I also know that I have shamed others--because of my own fear, because of the lies
I've believed, because of my woundedness, because of my prejudices and judgments--
and the realization that I have wounded others breaks my heart because
I know that's not the true me.
I know I need to live in the possibilities, as varied and wild as they may be.
I've experienced too much confinement in my past
and now I'm ready to open my arms and let the possibilities,
the question, the "what ifs", cover me.
I'm not afraid of letting go of answers.
I know that what I know today I may doubt tomorrow.
I know that what I know today I may disagree with in a matter of moments.
And I know that's okay because I give myself permission
to learn and grow and change my mind--
that's how I'm making my way home.
And I know that just like the last autumn leaf on the winter branches,
all that I know now may come tumbling to the frozen earth.
But for today, what I know is more than enough.

17 Comments:

Blogger Deb R said...

Ooooh, GMTA - I took my camera along on my walk today (as usual) and ended up taking several shots of dead and dying leaves clinging to branches. Go figure! (No idea how they turned out...I haven't even looked at them yet.)

8:46 PM  
Anonymous Beansprout said...

When you wrote "the realization that I have wounded others breaks my heart" it reminded me of this wonderful forgiveness poem I'd like to offer to you. Sorry...it's a bit long.

If I have harmed anyone in
any way
Either knowingly or
unknowingly
Through my own confusions
I ask forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in
any way
Either knowingly or
unknowingly
Through their own confusions
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation I am
not yet ready to forgive
I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm
myself,
Negate, doubt, belittle myself,
Judge or be unkind to myself
Through my own confusions
I forgive myself.

8:53 PM  
Blogger Michelle Fry said...

I really identify with this part, "Fear is everywhere.
But, I know the one thing I won't be afraid of is myself,"

Amen sister.

9:22 PM  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

BRAVO!!!!

1:10 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

These words are really what I needed to 'hear' this morning. Thank you my friend, your amazing.

2:38 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

great last line...

2:56 AM  
Blogger ArtsyMama said...

Cuts to the truth. Wonderful!!!

5:38 AM  
Blogger red sun said...

really wonderful last line. that mantra should be spoken every morning.

6:41 AM  
Blogger Swirly said...

This is so wonderful. I particularly love this line: "I have somewhere sacred to be and I must keep traveling." We are all searching for that sacred place, but perhaps it dwells within us, and the journey we are on is within our own selves.

7:49 AM  
Blogger Living Part Deux said...

Oh Sweet Michelle, you dropped all your leaves on the floor and burst right through the door without any protective covering. I feel like I witness something "sacred" in this full disclosure. I hope you are warmed by all those who derive personal power in their own journeys from you.

8:19 AM  
Blogger snowsparkle said...

i love this declaration of spirit and you commitment to your journey. your well chosen words spoke every thing i feel in my heart about this subject. thank you for giving voice to them. its comforting to see the many kindred traveling seekers who responded to your enlightened words. what a fabulous congregation you've created : ) -- snowsparkle

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Mistyeyedart said...

when I read your words I find myself drifting into the place we all long to be in...with so much warmth and tranquility...where our hearts and mind are more open than we thought they could ever be...the honesty, bitter truth is beautiful. If we all let our bitter truths out we could feel more at ease with ourselves and live the life we dream of!
Keep on Shining!!!
...oh and I mailed something to you yesterday! :)

1:17 PM  
Blogger SueeeuS said...

That is very beautiful. I've been meaning to post for some time and tell you how gorgeous all the pictures you post are.

Cheers. Now I have to go read more of your blog. :)

2:50 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

I love this! I love that we all get to go on this journey with you. I see you gaining momentum...I see you growing stronger. Not necessarily because you have all the answers...but because your knowing more of yourself...you inside! It's such a great journey! And I love the photo...:)

6:51 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

I identified with this post in a powerful way. Beautiful. I'm so honored to bear witness to your journey to your sacred place.

2:09 AM  
Blogger Frankie said...

Love, love, LOVE this. I connected with this on so many levels. This line especially "I know I have a pilgrim's soul, never able to stay in one place too long because
I have somewhere sacred to be and I must keep traveling" spoke to me in the very deepest core of my heart and soul. Wonderful!

12:29 PM  
Anonymous nikol said...

amazing... wild, wild wolf child... you are amazing... and for every knowing in my soul i am glad to know and see yours...

absolutely divine...

6:39 PM  

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