Sunday, November 27, 2005

Finally...A Breakthrough

Caught in a struggle with guilt.
Wrestling demons.
That's how I've spent the past few weeks.
Fighting to get out of bed,
fighting to keep going,
fighting to face myself.
It's getting late, already bedtime,
I'm sitting alone, listening to the two of them interact,
feeling as if they really don't need me.
He's reading, using silly voices and all.
He's listening, laughing at the dramatic performance.
Just a few moments ago, when I was trying to do the very same thing
there was screaming and the flinging of his body onto the bed
while pretending to be limp and lifeless,
and now calm,
and I honestly wonder if it's because I'm not around anymore.
What was my fatal mistake, my tragic mis-step?
I torture myself seeking the answer.
Later, when he's dreaming and I'm laying in the dark
trying to untangle it all,
attempting to put the puzzle pieces of my day together
to make sense of it all,
to learn from my errors,
I can't let go of my failings.
This is the moment that hurts the most,
the retracing, the rehashing,
the longing to be redeemed.
Then, while my body is still but my mind is twisting and turning,
I hear a whisper.
I can't claim it was audible
but it was real.
"You are good."
Quiet darkness.
"You are good."
Listening, not breathing, opening my heart slightly.
I am good...I AM GOOD.
Just the repetition of these words
releases the tears I've been holding in for days,
the weight I've been dragging around slips away,
my shoulders drop,
the demons that have been taunting me,
reminding me of all my faults,
throwing all my failures into my face,
keeping me plunged in shame,
tiptoe away.
I'm weightless--
For the first time in a long time
I'm at peace
all because I was reminded
I am good.
It's been a long time since I've let myself be good.
Too long.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

whispers your way... you are good... the voice of an old friend, co-conspiring to battle the demons... you are good... you deserve your life... you are good...

as ever, i am inspired by your heart, your honesty, your realness, your pain, your passion, your voice...

thanks for sharing...


6:22 PM  
Blogger Frankie said...

With the exception of the motherhood issues, this poem reflects my life lately to a T. I love this poem. You ARE good, and I hope you always remember that. I'm so happy that you're beginning to break through any self doubt or sadness you feel. I think that you're amazing, and I hope you are able to see that in yourself. Thank you for your beautiful words.

6:22 PM  
Blogger kiki said...

i am so sorry that you have been having such a rough time lately. you are good and i hope you remember sooner next time.

6:41 PM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

ahhhh, sister/girlfriend. you have the words that have been in my heart, better put than I could ever say. the self-doubt and's all so hard.

when i've cried to M about this very situation, being the shit heap that collects all the wrath and angst of her little heart and mind, he reminds me that i am her safety net, her world. the one place that she can thrash and be mean and hurt, because she knows that tomorrow i still love her, probably even more.

7:00 PM  
Blogger Michelle Fry said...

I hate it that I have to remind myself that I am good but it's important. I also try to remind myself often that I am worthy. Sad that it isn't innate for me to feel this but if I keep saying it, it will be.

7:58 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

your words inspire me once again. thank you. hope you continue to rest in the quiet to hear those whispers.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

I'm glad you're feeling some peace within yourself.

The photograph is beautiful.

8:47 PM  
Anonymous irene said...

"sometimes, we forget who we are, and who we are not" (Amos Lee)

you ARE good.

11:52 PM  
Blogger dani said...

michelle YOU ARE GOOD! please know and believe this every single day. it's hard for me to see you any other way.

love this photo! into the light and definitely sums up a breakthrough.

2:18 AM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

Although the issues that are functioning to serve as change agents to get us to this place are different, I'm here to bear witness to your release. I've been going through something very similar, even though the circumstances are different. Although I love your sunset photo, it's the hands photo below that seems profoundly perfect for this post...if only because release can often feel like an opening...and when I look at the hands now, they strike me as not just hands that will hold your son's feelings gently...but also hands that might have held your own heart too compress it with guilt and shame. I imagine them opening now...exposing your heart to the light...and releasing it from the darkness.

6:07 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

things will be better.

you are beyond good.

6:58 AM  
Blogger mati rose said...

YOU ARE GOOD ma' dear.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

You are good, you are a great mom. We go through the same thing over here, sometimes the kids love me to pieces and sometimes they want their dad. Britton has such a loving mom, one day he is going to tell you that you are his hero, that you helped him grow into a loving thoughtful person.

10:11 AM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

wow. This is amazing. I love the mantra. I'm going to have to try it myself. I'm glad you're able to self actualize so well. Still working on that over here.

My wee s is like this. I sometimes wonder why is attachment is to Daddy so easily and deeply as he always chooses daddy's company, daddy's lap, daddy do it , mommy, not mommy....

kills me inside a little bit each time. the little f'ker. I invented his ass! he owes me!


anyway.... I hear you and I'm optimistic because of your post.

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Donna Maria said...

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Sending support and admiration across the miles,
Donna Maria

12:49 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

I think I've been going through the same thing...especially after meeting up with T&K after not being around for a few days ...realizing they were fine without me but ....I too had to give myself the pep talk and the Yes, I am good and deserved and wonderful..

And you are too!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Karina said...

I look forward to your postings and I am never disppointed. Maybe it's because I see myself in your writing. Or maybe it is because it is simply beautiful.

3:15 PM  
Blogger amstar said...

there is such beauty in what you write. even your wounds show such sweet signs of life.

5:56 PM  
Blogger telfair said...

As I ponder whether parenthood is in the cards for my husband & me, it always is so helpful and inspiring to read the true thoughts, feelings, and opinions of women who are already mothers. HONESTY! I don't see it in television or movies, but I get it in the fabulous blogs of the cool women I've met online...and it helps me, just to hear it. The beauty and the pain...both real sides of the coin.

12:08 AM  
Blogger Valeri said...

Beautifully written.


8:20 AM  
Blogger FreeThinker said...

Yes ... you am good!

Is that a Texas sunset?

3:04 PM  
Blogger andrea said...

you ARE good. and you know, it's good that you let yourself listen to that little voice that so wanted to be heard. we all have such a hard time letting that little voice be heard.

7:56 PM  

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