Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Confessions of A Worn-Out Mother


Even though I love him more than anything
I still miss sleeping in on Saturday mornings,
relaxing in the tub without something being hurled at me,
watching an entire tv program without constant interruptions,
and spending a Sunday afternoon curled on the couch with a book.
Even though I wouldn't trade him for the world
I still miss eating a meal without little hands in my plate or cup,
reading the lyrics along with a new cd,
preparing supper without someone permanately attached to my leg,
and the quiet stillness of a childless home.
Even though I know I'm lucky
right now I can't help but hate
that we can't go to the grocery store without some major incident,
that no matter what I do it's never enough,
that he and his dad get along so much better than the two of us,
and his dad is so calm and cool while I so easily loose my temper.
And yes, one day he'll be all grown up and I'll miss the little boy
but right now I can't help but hate
that he goes to bed instantly for his dad but fights me to the end,
that a lot of times meeting his demands leaves me so empty,
and caring for his needs pushes my needs to the back burner,
and that no matter how hard I try, everyday I fail in so many ways
and I have to pick myself back up, apologize,
accept the forgiveness and grace and start all over again.
And even though he's the child and I'm the adult
I still long to be seen,
cry to be heard,
need to be touched,
and beg to be loved
but too many days all of that gets pushed aside to be a mother
and although I love being a mother,
I'm still me...

27 Comments:

Blogger ESB said...

Man oh man, can I relate to this today!!!!!!!

8:06 PM  
Blogger Living Part Deux said...

The song of every mother, perfectly sung.

8:33 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Wow...your words are amazing! Such thoughtful honestly and truth...what a balance beam!

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Marilyn said...

Brava to you for writing this. Isn't it remarkable that such conflicting emotions can be all jumbled up inside of us...and that ALL of it is okay?

10:40 PM  
Blogger Misty Mawn said...

I have been there over and over again! It's so nice to hear it from someone else! When you have children you give up so much and you get so much...they bring out the worst and best of us! :)
I can't imagine my house not smothered with toys, board books, and broken crayons.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

Preparing dinner without a child attached at the leg? I hardly remember what that feels like.

Perfect post.

11:07 PM  
Blogger snowsparkle said...

That photo is fantastic.... the heart and soul in your rear-view mirror gaze, the sleeping child in the car seat says it all! The love/hate relationship with parenthood is complex. Glad you aren't candy-coating it. Real stuff is the best. And trust me, your son will carry all the influences your great spirit has shown him. Your ability to accept that you sometimes fail and ask forgiveness is a true expression of love and will be reflected in his spirit in a big way. I have a 13 year old son and, even though he gravitates toward spending time with his dad, he seeks me out to share the really important life conversations. Cheers to you mama!
xxxooo-snowsparkle

1:03 AM  
Anonymous irene said...

it's ALL NORMAL. and every mother out there can relate to that.

2:50 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

oh. my. god.
so honest
and true
and real

4:08 AM  
Blogger kelly said...

ah motherhood - i always feel
in such an altered state.

joyously sad. inhumanly human.
painful glory...does this even make sense. our emotions can
run such an intense gamit in just
a period of 1 hour. it is as if
we suffer with somewhat of a
personality disorder. you never
know what is going to greet you
on any given day and yet we wake up
each morn and start all over

5:09 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

WOW! The dilema of seperating our Identities of Motherhood and ourselves...this would be at home in this month's SPT :O)

5:36 AM  
Anonymous samantha said...

Honest, true blue - you articulate so well what I know so many women feel - and all the things I know I'll give up when it's my time -

And! Great picture!

6:00 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

your words from my heart and soul, girlfriend. i love the photo.

7:25 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

So eloquently put!!! Amen to being a mother..you know I've been thinking about this in my own life...I used to think it's when they leave home, but my 'baby' is 9 (also have a teenager). You have less years than you think -you get freedom to start doing those things you miss sooner...but now I'm able to do those thing- I miss the other so much!! Ah, motherhood..

7:38 AM  
Blogger Glamorous Jo said...

I don't have children yet - so this makes me grateful for the peace I currently have!!

7:43 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I miss all of those things too. Someday I hope our kids will look at us and they will know we love them and gave them everything and we will be so close becasue of it.

8:29 AM  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

you wrote exactly how i've been feeling all week! all i have to do is insert a "she" wherever there's a "he." :)

10:09 AM  
Anonymous ivy said...

I feel exactly like this today.
Like I belong to everyone by myself and how nice it would be to pack them a bag and leave them on the sidewalk.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Karina said...

your writing leaves me speechless.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

wow,this is such amazing writing and I can SO RELATE to ALL of this....

1:06 PM  
Blogger laurenbove said...

yeah. but. LOOOOOK AT HIS WITTTLE CHEEKIES WHEN HE'S SWEEEPING! C'mon! Who needs me time and all that when you have such a wee love!

God! is that kid cute.

(seriously, though...I hear you my sister-friend)

1:57 PM  
Anonymous jen said...

wow i am not a mother, but an aunt who watches her nephew every week day and i certainly do hear ya. you wrote that so beautifully.

:D

2:43 PM  
Blogger Server Girl said...

boy...u took the words right out of my sisters mouth...this is written so honestly.

3:10 PM  
Anonymous melanie said...

right on. you did it again. hit a chord in my heart. thank you for being so real and honest and brave, putting into words what I have a hard time even admitting that I feel.

7:54 PM  
Blogger firstborn studio said...

wow......you just took me back to a place where i was insecure,lonely and scared.how is it that after 22 years i miss that? i need to think about that.
thanks for stirring my emotions...i love it when that happens!

4:09 AM  
Blogger madness rivera said...

Sorry Michelle -- I'm catching up . . .beautiful picture. I know these glances well, and they swell my heart.

10:28 AM  
Blogger andrea said...

sister, YOU ARE SINGING MY SONG.

9:39 PM  

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