Friday, September 09, 2005

Sleepless Ramblings

I've been up since 3:00 am. I'm exhausted. It was one of those nights. I was sleeping peacefully when Britton woke up wanting milk. Not just wanting milk, demanding milk, screaming for milk, refusing to sleep until he had milk, acting as if he would die if he didn't get milk right away. So I dragged my body out of bed, went to the kitchen, filled a sippy cup with milk, and took it to him. He chugged it and then immediately fell asleep. In the mean time good ol' mom couldn't get back to sleep. I lay there tossing and turning, unable to find rest. Then I started having imaginary conversations in my head, conversations aimed at helping me to better understand and explain who I am and how I got to this place in my life. I finally stopped fighting it and just got up and journaled for an hour. Even after I thought I had dumped it all on the lined pages of my journal the conversations continued. Before I knew it, it was 5:30 and my alarm was beeping. But on a positive note, these sleepless ramblings and insomniac expressions did lead me to a couple of deeper understandings, or what Oprah calls "Aha!" moments.
1. I want to be more intentional about owning my thoughts and opinions. Since I began this blog I have been writing a lot more than normal. I've noticed in writings in both my blog and my journal that I have a habit of shifting pronouns and using the pronoun we when I really mean I. In trying to figure out why I do this I came to a conclusion. I think I use we as an attempt to connect to the world but in truth what I'm really doing is making an assumption. I'm assuming that others, especially those who may read my blog or my journal, have the same thoughts and opinions as I. In a way that assumption keeps me from really owning what I'm saying, what I'm thinking and believing. Instead I attempt to lump myself in with everyone else (my idea of everyone else) so that I really don't have to stand by what I think. I want to do better about claiming my voice and in the future be very conscious of when I use we and replace it with I.

2. When I was in college, I was about 20 years old, I surrendered to the ministry. What that means is good Southern Baptist jargon is that I believed God was calling me into a life of service to him, a life of spreading the gospel, and making disciples for Christ. Then in my late 20s I had a bit of a life change and now I no longer attend church. However, I still very much feel called to ministry, just not in the traditional sense of the word. But I have had some trouble in reconciling this with the fact that I don't attend church. I have felt lost and directionless. I still feel the call to ministry yet can't seem to figure out exactly what that will look like. This morning I had an epiphany. I realized that up until now I had been defining ministry as something to do instead of something I am. This morning something shifted in my perspective and I realized that ministry is something I am. When that hit me it was like a weight was lifted. All this time I've been thinking I need to do something that I'm not doing, that I need to move, that I need to search for and find what I'm supposed to be doing to fulfill this calling. Now I recognize that I don't have to do anything, that I am exactly where I need to be. It was like I could stop struggling and just be. If I accept that I am ministry then nothing outside of me (my circumstances, my deeds, my location, my job) can change that. My job is not to do but to be. None of this may make any sense but this morning it made perfect sense and it was freeing.

P.S. I have had to turn on the word verification on my comments due to some unwanted comment spam. Sorry for the inconvenience but it is just too disappointing to think I have a new comment and then realize it's just spam. What a let down.


Blogger gkgirl said...

i love those "a-ha" moments
too bad they always have to come
so late at night

but great insights
and that you got up to
write it out
i tend to stay in bed
and just keep thinking
and thinking and thinking...

3:51 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

We just got back from Tahoe and your's was the first blog I caught up on (after my sisters). I love your wrighting and insights. My mind tends to want to explore deep thoughts when I lay down at night too. I'm appriciate that you explore the complicated issues in your life, sometimes it's easier to just go numb to it all. I try to think and explore, it can be tiring and frusterating but worth it when that light turns on in my head and I see something in a new way.

4:43 PM  
Blogger jenny vorwaller said...

i promise this won't be spam...

i think that you are right about what you refer to as a calling to ministry fitting into part of your life instead of a specific place or timeframe. doesn't it seem that it is a graceful responsibility to share the truth that has enhanced your life with the ones that you love? i feel that way about my beliefs too.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Marit Cooper said...

I think we all have our purpose in life planted in us like a seed, and what we need to do is nurture that seed, to do what we feel we do best and follow our bliss. If we try to be like someone else, or do as others would have us do, we tend to end up being rather miserable and do it quite badly.

12:50 AM  

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