Monday, September 12, 2005

Sitting in the Pain

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
a portion of The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
***************
Sometimes I wonder if I live life peering through my fingers,
hands over my eyes,
not quite wanting to look at my life fully and clearly,
knowing that to have the courage to look at my life face-to-face, eye-to-eye, to take it head on,
would mean having to open myself up to
the longing, the missing, the disappointment, the regret
It would mean having to settle into the doubts and the confusion,
having to live from the brokenness
So I peek through my fingers like this is some horror film
As if just taking little glimpses will save me from the nightmarish images
It's fear, it's all fear
Fear of what I'll find and what I'll have to admit to, namely
the longing, the missing, the disappointment, the regret
the doubts, the confusion, the brokenness
But maybe by refusing to get a good, clear look,
by not accepting the as is,
by not living with my eyes wide open
and only taking peeks and glimpses instead of welcoming the wholeness
I also miss the hope under the longing
the memories mixed with the missing
the forgiveness surrounding the disappointment
the grace after the regrets
the courage behind the doubt
the clarity inside the confusion
the healing that comes from feeling the brokenness
the new life that follows the death, the promise of resurrection,
the beginning again and again and again
the beauty from the ashes
being both the caterpillar and the butterfly

2 Comments:

Blogger Marit Cooper said...

...And then, when you BURST out of your chrysalis! when the power within you is so strong, much stronger than your fear of hurting..then you realise...that you CAN FLY! :-D

12:38 AM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

funny...
every time i read what you write
i find myself nodding
in agreement

and what you wrote is so true...

2:23 AM  

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