Thursday, August 18, 2005

Dumpped


The thought of expending any more energy was just too much. So I called and canceled my weekly Wednesday-at-6:00 date. It's one thing to sit in his office for an hour and then leave energized after a major break through. I could handle exerting that kind of energy, the kind with a pay off, the kind where you rehash your current life and unearth treasure in the process. Maybe come to a better understanding or a deeper acceptance of myself. The hour would end and I would walk out a little changed, a little different than the way I walked in. But somehow I imagined our date would be just like all the others...I would sit across from him for an hour and do nothing but explain myself, try to clarify my wants which our differing perspectives of life would make immensely difficult. Sure there would finally be a connection, a break through, but it would never be about what I was really there for. It would be about finally, after struggling, wording and re-wording, getting him to hear me, understand me, see me. The thought of an evening of that was too much. So I dumped him and I practiced my own kind of therapy. A trip to the park, walking in ankle deep grass, photographing mushrooms, communing with the ducks, no one else there but my shadow. The ducks don't demand an explanation. They don't insist upon clarification. They just listen. They let you pour it all out with never a questioning look in their eye. They don't ask, "So how did that make you feel," or "and what does that mean to you." They just go about their way, no questions, no demands, no expectations. And I could just be, which was all I had the energy for anyway.

Of course! the path to heaven
doesn't lie down in flat miles.
It's in the imagination
with which you perceive
this world,
and the gestures
with which you honor it.
from The Swan by Mary Oliver

2 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

I've been there. I found that at times all I need is to listend to myself, what is my body and mind craving, quiet? writing? talking? walking? laughing? crying? and to follow that. It's good to talk, but sometimes it's good to just be quiet. Take care, Heather

7:21 AM  
Blogger STEVE said...

Michelle, you don't need that therapy stuff. all you need is a trip to Margarritaville. Like Jimmy says,"Therapy is extremely expensive, popping bubble wrap is radically cheap."

12:06 AM  

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