Sunday, August 07, 2005

Bashful


I've kept a journal since High School. Most of the time I have it with me, tucked in my purse just in case. Years from now, when I am gone, my son will have hundreds of spiral notebooks and compostition books to sort through in some loving attempt to discover this woman who was his mother. I hope there will not be too many surprises. I hope there is not a huge expanse between the fact and fiction of who I am. My goal for my life is to be as true in living as I am in the secret pages of my beloved journals. But I have found times when it is difficult to put into words exactly what I'm feeling. It's just as hard to tell the truth on the blank page as it is every second of living. It's during these moments, most in which I feel wounded, broken, or disappointed with myself, the world, or love, that I become bashful. I choose instead to curl up inside myself, to pull tightly in and not express my true thoughts and feelings. Like a startled and frigthened turtle, I pull deep within the shell of my being and sit with my truth, not wanting it to spill over onto anyone around me, especially not the people I love most. I can't even manage to tell my precious pages the truth for fear that if I do, if I actually let it go, get it out, I might just implode and find nothing left but tears and ashes. I'm in one of those places today, one of those fagile and vulnerable places when I'm just not certain I want to say too much. It's easy to find the words when my spirits are high and the day was good. But that's not today. So today I will take time to pull in and nurture my wounded spirit. Perhaps when the afternoon cools and the sun finishes her long toil in the sky, I will put on my tennis shoes, strap my camera around my neck, and take a short quest to capture a little of life's beauty. I'll be back...

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb
tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
execpt the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
Sweet Darkness from The House of Belonging by David Whyte

1 Comments:

Blogger STEVE said...

You think you have a problem being open and real? Check out my blog for details on how NOT to be intimate! never give up Michelle. You're doing better than you know, and the effort is more than more than most have done.

9:43 PM  

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